I've worked soo hard all week i just come home and feel completely drained…lifeless! I'm going for another 'date' 2moro after work at the gym where we met, just going for a quick work out/ swim/steam room, then gonna go for dinner before he goes to work the night shifts again. hope i dont feel too akward 🙁 i hate myself for what happend last time…GR. so STUPID! why do i have to be so god damn weak!

i've put on weight aswell so i feel and look hideous! coz of all that f**cking comfort food! whyy does it have to taste so good?!! the diet starts 2moro! (yeah right!!) =/

i've been doing something abit different tonight, my therapist inspired me..i stumbled across an artist called Irina Rumyanseva…i love her work, its soo expressive! im tempted to buy a piece for my room but its too expensive =/ damn it! anyway my main worry is 2MORO! work shud be tollerable, but SWIMMING! SERIOUSLY?!?! my self harm has gone abit out of control recently i've got above my knees really badly it looks inflamed :s i dont know how im gonna handle it 2moro..really scared, freaking out!! one part of me wants to tell him, but then again i hardly know him! wish i never got involved! GRRR

i painted something tonight, but couldnt get it right so i ripped off a new sheet and started scribbling paint all over the place, kinda abstracy and really like it, i wrote under it saying 'i hate me' i took a picture of it and scrumpled it up so my mum wudnt see..if i won the lottery i wud spent a majority of it on a house and artwork!! i love it…my home will be beautiful! one day………..everyone can dream right?

i guess thats half the reason i stuck to decorating coz i like making things look nice..

i saw a self harm quote the other day about 'my wrist is my canvas' i really wish i hadn't seen it :'( my wrist is sorn and scabbed now..it looks horrible! GAAAH take it awayyyyy