Haven't been able to blog here in a long time. It just wouldn't work, but it looks like now it is.

So…my mood is okay. I went through bad depression in the last few months. Like really bad. Worst in a year. Constant thoughts of suicide. But that is better for the time being.

Sleep is still crap. Over a year of treatment and they still can't find something that can keep me asleep all night that I can take long term. Why is everything short term? I have Ativan to take now. It worked really well at first. Now it's losing it's effectiveness, and I've hardly taken it. I took it last night and still woke up all night as if I hadn't.

More than my mood I care about my sleep. One of my biggest wishes is to be able to sleep well, not waking up all night for no apparent reason whatsoever. It's so frustrating. I get mad at myself. The problem isn't outside afterall. It's in me. And no one seems to be able to get it to stop. Sometimes I've just pounded myself in the head because of how fristrating it is.

Aside from that, my focus isn't good. I need to be able to apply myself for hours, and I just can't. I've always seemed to have had this trouble. I remember being a homeschooled kid and just taking forever to get my work done. I'd have a few pages of math to do but I just couldn't do it. I'd sit there and not do it. Having to do it was miserable. And the problem remained. Likely what caused me to not get done with school at a normal rate. I want my diploma more than pretty much anything, and I'm running out of time to get it. You'd think that would get me working like mad. But no. The thought of having to do it is miserable. I haven't done any of my work today.

I'm thinking maybe I should try something for focus again. I was on Adderall, and I remember it made me feel like cleaning for hours a day and my appetite disappeared. I got down to 97 pounds and stopped for that reason. But I really need to find a way to focus.

Perhaps it's because my mind needs to wander. My thoughts seem to flutter everywhere, and having to focus on one boring thing is like putting my thoughts in a cage, and they all flutter around like butterflies trying to make the cage explode. That's what it's like.

Maybe I'm more of a mess than I thought. And at least Iwasin a good mood.


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