I've been feeling seriously Suicidal. I've been cutting a lot and everything seems to be getting worse. I've been trying really hard. To keep my mind off the bad stuff going on and just be happy. But, right now it's just so hard. I perked up all of that courage to tell my mom how I felt….and right after I got on this new medication it's like it never happend. I tried talking to Heather, but she won't talk to me. So, I talked to my friend Jordan, we have a long back story. But, to make it short, he was one of the boyfriends I deluded myself into thinking I wasn't gay with. None-the-less, after I came out we became good friends. But, I tried talking to him Sunday about how I was feeling….I'm just going to copy and paste the convo:
Me: Okay, I'm just, I'm feeling a little depressed. I'm feeling pretty suicidal…..
Him: Oh god o3o
No, no suicide for you
Am I really that annoying to where people feel suicidal
Me: Fucking really? Just, really, Jordan? I tell you I'm suicidal, first you make it to be a joke and then you turn it around on yourself. When you have't even asked. When you know it's not about you. You're not annoying at all. and you know that. this is why I didn't tell you in the first place. this is why I'm afraid of telling anyone anything.
Him: It's just that when I talk to some one and their depressed I either try to help and end up screwing things up even more or I feel responsible for it
Him: No it's okay, let's change topics now.
After that, I just said goodbye. I felt really hurt. I confided in him, and he just made it out to be a joke, then acted like it was about him, then after he found out it wasn't, wanted to change the topic…..Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know….I just don't know. I don't know if I have the will to live anymore….I'm sorry.