I feel so vulnerable, miserable…

I feel like all these horrible feelings are just flooding through me, and spilling out of me.  I have been crying, periodically.  I’ve even screamed a couple times.  Listening to Elliot Smith…  smoking…  I was going to write something tonight (not my play – I haven’t been able to work on the play all week, because of the drug themes that are involved), but I can’t.  I can’t do anything, right now.

I feel so sick.  When I was a kid (like 3rd grade or so) there were nights when I would close my eyes, at night, and hope that somehow, magically, I just wouldn’t wake up.  I didn’t want to kill myself.  I just wanted to die. 

"Alone like I’m supposed to be…  tonight, tomorrow, and every day…"

I feel disgusting and hideous, and I just [email protected] hate myself.

I don’t want to try to contact anyone.  I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time, right now.  I can’t even type all the terrible things in my head.

"Because, my feelings never change a bit.  I always feel like shit.  I don’t know why, I guess that I just do."

I’m supposed to see Anna tonight, but I don’t know if I can handle that, right now.  I don’t want her to see me like this, or like I could get. 

I just want to make it all stop.  I know I sound whiny, and stupid, and ridiculous – believe me, I see it, and I disgust myself far more than I could ever disgust any of you.  All apologies, all the same, if you’re reading this crap.

"There’s nothing here that you’ll miss.  I can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke trying to occupy space.  What a fucking joke…  what a fucking joke…"
(Elliot Smith "I Didn’t Understand")


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