I feel so vulnerable, miserable…
I feel like all these horrible feelings are just flooding through me, and spilling out of me. I have been crying, periodically. I’ve even screamed a couple times. Listening to Elliot Smith… smoking… I was going to write something tonight (not my play – I haven’t been able to work on the play all week, because of the drug themes that are involved), but I can’t. I can’t do anything, right now.
I feel so sick. When I was a kid (like 3rd grade or so) there were nights when I would close my eyes, at night, and hope that somehow, magically, I just wouldn’t wake up. I didn’t want to kill myself. I just wanted to die.
"Alone like I’m supposed to be… tonight, tomorrow, and every day…"
I feel disgusting and hideous, and I just [email protected] hate myself.
I don’t want to try to contact anyone. I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time, right now. I can’t even type all the terrible things in my head.
"Because, my feelings never change a bit. I always feel like shit. I don’t know why, I guess that I just do."
I’m supposed to see Anna tonight, but I don’t know if I can handle that, right now. I don’t want her to see me like this, or like I could get.
I just want to make it all stop. I know I sound whiny, and stupid, and ridiculous – believe me, I see it, and I disgust myself far more than I could ever disgust any of you. All apologies, all the same, if you’re reading this crap.
"There’s nothing here that you’ll miss. I can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke trying to occupy space. What a fucking joke… what a fucking joke…"
(Elliot Smith "I Didn’t Understand")