Growing up with a single mom who barely had the courage to get her GED and had 4 girls all 2 years or one year apart was something i thought was normal. I know I keep talk about my mom lately but I feel like I am a bit ready to talk about our relationship and how I think it has contributed to why a lot of my relationships with people haven’t gone as well as they could have. Obviously being the younger daughter I always got my sister left overs, clothes, supplies, beauty products, and even sometimes attention. The only time I ever remember having something of my own was my posters and CDs. They were mine because no one would steal them from me. They didn’t like the music I liked and it was one thing i love doing.
Today as a 25 year old woman I still think I linger to long around people. I want to be involved. I want people to be happy to see me, greet me and even want to spend time with me. I want to enjoy other peoples company and I want others to enjoy mine. At work I have to work with people I have to talk with them and make plans so that doesn’t count. I don’t have any work friends maybe 2 people who I chat with but not very close.
When it comes to partners this is how it normally goes. I meet them we chat we talk and we get to know each other. Sometimes this getting to know each other happens more over the phone then in person. And when I post things on my FB like pictures or Meme’s I would think they would like or comment on them. I expect that but i don’t say anything to that person i am talking to because well, It seems a bit much. So i have to center myself and remind myself that it won’t always go my way. But i see them commenting and liking other females post and even their friends. But not mine. I am hurt in the moment and maybe even angry. Then my Ego kicks in. I think to myself “Well at least you didn’t tell them, then you would have sounded pathetic.” “At least you didn’t spill your guts out claiming you have all these feelings for them even though you barely know them.” “You were smart and kept you mouth shut.” “If he can respond and like all those other peoples things on FB why not mine? its pretty obvious i am trying to get his attention.” “Maybe he isn’t liking any of my things because he doesn’t want people to know that we are talking, does that mean he just isnt that into me?” “He is on right now, i know he read my message and i didn’t even say anything that was to much i just told him have a great day and he just read it.”
I never fully say what is on my mind because when I say something I want it to be 100 percent truthful and mean it. I use to say the first thing that comes to mind but in the past when I was with my EX he would use what I said to him, whether it was honest, a lie, a comment, or even just a compliment to myself he would use it against me. I hated that part, that whatever I said in any conversation he would use it when he needed it he would remember and then use it when he need to get his way.
When I would say I would never hurt you, but when he would corner me in the walk in closet to “Get down to the point” about a conversation he would tower over me to keep me in one place. As soon as I felt like an argument was arising or he had some being conversation with me about me I would run. I would walk away. Because i was upset. Before i use to tell him I need space right now I don’t want to say anything I don’t mean. He never respected that, he always wanted to solve them problem right then and there in our raw feelings. He said raw feelings are the really feelings. but all i ever felt when things like this would happen was FEAR, HATE and SADNESS. But because i loved him and never wanted him to feel unwanted I would stand my ground. No matter how much I want to walk out of the room and walk down the street. I fought the feeling of walking away when my body would be on fire and my eyes were burning from holding back tears, and trying to keep my voice strong to have conversations. I thought i was just weak. That i couldn’t face being wrong, or couldn’t problem solve or it was my ego. But deep down I knew every time we would argue he would either win and destroy my feelings or he would give apologize and then later complain how he is always the bad guy.
Now I don’t know how to act with other people. Do i tell them what I think, do i sit back and watch to see what other peoples responses are? Do i play it safe? Do i push myself to be more outspoken?
its all so confusing sometimes.
