I went to the mall today earlier to return some stuff I bought a few days ago. I found myself drowned before the bustling crowds. I don't know why. I felt like I didn't belong there. I wanted to return my stuff and leave. Anyways, I came home and I'm wondering what the hell am I doing at home on Saturday evening. And this isn't the first nor will it be the last of many evenings at home alone. I feek like I've pushed everybody out of my life to the point where I no longer feel comfortable in calling up a friend and say 'Hey, what are you up to do? You wanna go chill at the mall or go bowling?' I don't want to sound desparate even though I am lonely for companionship. I mean if my friends were to call me up to go out, then its a different story. The problem is that they wouldn't because I constantly keep pushing my friends out. Even my most recent best friend who gave me reason for living is someone I've been pushing out and flaking on. It's hard making new friends because I have such intense insecurity issues about trusting people and even harder keeping the ones I already have. As emotional as it sounds, I kinda ended one of my oldest friendships with another friend over what was at first a trivial issue. I know I'm being unreasonable with him, but at the same time, I don't want to be the to mend things because it means I'd have to admit fault first; I'd rather we never spoke to each other again than admit fault. My closest friends have told me that I should make up with him and it'd be a waste to end our 8 year friendship over something so minor as flaking on a movie. It's been a over a month now and as much as I hate to admit it, I do miss his companionship; he was my wingman. Ironically, it's because he was spending so much time with his first gf and neglecting our friendship that I ended our friendship. He was calling here and there for the first few weeks, but now he's stopped calling. We haven't spoken since. Am I being a jerk about this?? I gave him the whole summer to spend time with his gf and after 6 months with his new relationship, he still takes my friendship for granted. He calls whenever he has issues with his gf and wants to talk about it at HIS convenience not mine. Something I haven't brought up is that I'm not used to taking a second place; I have no siblings so needless to say, I'm spoiled. I mean whenever I talk to him, I make damn sure I know he's not with his gf because his gf and I dun exactly get along. I had to give him alot of space for time with his gf; SIX fucking months is more than generous. I didn't  know what to do anymore so simply put, I did the one thing I'm good at; I pushed him out of my life. As if life could not get any worse, two other close friends were being pushed out of my life, too. Both were moving due to their parents' job relocations. If I'm not proceeding with an exit stragety, then I want a vacation, preferably long term away from everybody in my life right now. I'm sick of it all. I've lost even motivation if possible to do anything these days. My parents can't detect it and I've already made several indications to my friends that I'm having suicidal thoughts. I haven't felt this low in life since a year ago and my friend comforted me with the fact I had a kickass well paid student job, but that's even losing its appeal even tho I got promoted to another department. I thought I could bury myself with materialistic possessions. It did for a bit, but as cliche as it is, money doesn't buy happiness or love for that matter or any emotions. As that loses appeal, I revert back to my former depressed self. Life is a whole big cycle of studying and working and then if you're lucky, you get to spend a small part of your remaining life having fun in retirement. Pretty sweet deal eh? You go to free school for about 14 years from Kindergarten to grade 12 and then you pay for school for about 4-10 years. Then if you're lucky, you just might be able to be employed for the next 40 years of your life slaving over expenses and paying bills. Then you retire and do everything you said you wanted when you retire, but of course, you realize those things lost meaning as you buried yourself working away most your life. And then of course, you die. And then somewhere in the middle, you're supposed to have a family. Funny how parents never tell you these things when you're young. 


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