Well a little update, I used to have very bad anxiety but that is probably gone now. But i think I have some social anxiety which is why I'm back here writing this. Me and my friends have become distant. Especially me and my friend anthony. I was looking at old messages from last year on facebook and he would always contact me to see what I was doing. Now, he never does that. He never sees what I am doing or how I am or anything. Last year I felt like I finally belong to a good group of friends and now it doesn't seem that way. I recently got a new phone and I posted on facebook and twitter to all of my friends to contact me so I can save thier number. And no one has contacted me since. I honestly thought I posted the wrong number or something but nope. It seems like no one cares. This is why I get depressed sometimes and really get into a rut. The people that are suppse to be their for me never are while I am always there for them. Willing to do anything for them. I have tried to seek out new friends but that doesn't seem to work. I go to college and it seems now it gets a little easier to talk to people. Before, I would just go to class and not talk to anyone. Sometimes I wouldn't talk to anyone the whole day. But this semester I've talk to the people in my class and it seems they like talking to me. I really want to get to know these girls Hannah and Tori, they really seem like right up my alley. They are nice, easy to talk to girls. But like always I have my doubts of them wanting to get to know me. Because sometimes I would get someone's number and maybe we will text a few times and that would be it. I would suggest us hanging out or such but that never happenes.I always have my doubts with people about myself. If people compliment me I always shrug it off, I don't really consider myself cute or anything. I am tall, atheltic body but kind skinny and I always try to dress as nice as possible but something about me rubs people the wrong way. I don't know what it is. Could I possibly come off as smug? I don't tend to be a know it all but I do want people to think I am smart. I don't like coming off as dumb or ignorant. So I try to be humble but then I go back trying to be a know it all again. Well I'm guessing. Look I'm 20 years old and I've pretty much never had a girlfriend. I die a little inside every time I admit that. It makes me realize that I didn't date in high school. Sometimes I get to the brink of tears because of that. (I'm starting to get teary right now). The only girl I've been out with was is in middle school and I still don't know why she liked me. But she did like me. She's probably the only girl that has ever been attracted to me. Like I said I'm not that most ugly, just your average looking guy. Never been the one for "swag" I'm simple just a t-shirt and jeans type of guy. But I always try to look my best. So in high school it wasn't bad, I wasn't the most popular but a lot of people knew who I was. When I'm 5'10 to 6'0'' in high school it's hard for people to miss you. But when I was playing sports it was hard for me to look at the stands because almost all of the guys on the team had thier girlfriends or had some girl admiring them. They had their poster out for them with their name and number. Like some cute girl made that for them. All I wanted in high school was someone girl making me a poster like that. That would have been better that all the hits and stolen bases I had in high school. But as always nobody cared. As today no body cares. I'm at a point in life where I just want t have fun. I'm young and just want to enjoy life. I have a good job with wondeful co-workers and I go to college. I'm struggling in college right now which isn't good. But I know I can bounce back from that. I am a very determined individual. So yes I want to have fun but I just don't have anyone loyal or willing to go out with me to have fun. I know so many great events in this beautiful city yet none of my friends are willing to go with me. I'm at the point where I'm asking strangers on craigslist if they are willing to go with me. It's to the point where I'm asking strangers for anything for a little companionship. It's sad because I didn't think I would get to this point. So hear I am, writing this at 3 in the moring on the brink of tears (again) just hoping that someone out there is listening. A young man's cry for help seeking anything to combat this lonliness the one monster that I have been struggling for years with. I just want to be a regular 20 year old that goes out with his friends for a movie, to go bowling, to go to a club, to go have sushi (which I haven't tried yet). Hardly anyone knows about my struggle, I have always keep it to myself. Sometimes I drop bits and pieces on facebook or twitter just hoping that someone will ask "are you ok" but like always I get ignored. I often fantasize about me and good group of friends hanging out going out to eat or something laughing and just having a good time. I want that for myself. And I pray that my future children will never go through what I am going through. I will close with one of my favorite lyricist and a person who dealt with depression when he was teenager and probably dealt with social anxiety as well…. …"I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does"- Morrissey

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