I can't help but wonder why we put significance on certain things and ignore others. It's obviously perspective, what we are trained to value, what seems important at the moment even if it isn't. From a societal standpoint, our goals as people are to go out and find financial/career success, find good social relationships and eventually pair off and mate.

I think after high school there aren't any rules and if anything I'm confused as hell as to what to do with my life. I'm still a few classes away from my degree but it's going to take me another year or two because I'm basically taking 2 classes a semester with no classes available in the summer. On the other hand I'm making $40k a year while I do that, and trying to figure out other aspects of my life.

I can't help but ask myself what exactly matters to me? Obviously I'm depressed, and I can say "I feel like crap because I don't have X, Y and Z" in my life. Those things include "I'm not making enough money for a nice apartment" or "I wish I had my degree already" or "i wish I had my ex back" or even simply "I wish I had some guidance" because honestly I'm so confused. I don't know where my life is going, the rules are gone it just "is" rather than having some thing to hold out for or a goal to reach. Yes, I have career goals and my degree to look forward to, but at this point I don't even seem to hold any significan on those.

I also think maybe the amount of change going on in my life right now is scaring me. It's been over a week since my ex has acknowledged me and she's not coming back this time. That's a very hard thing for me to actually accept, because even in my head I say "Well maybe there's some way" but honestly at this point I know it's irrational. I mean, I told her everything about how I lied to her and cheated and every difficult thing I've hid and mistake I've made. How would anyone want me after that?

In any case, I think the important thing for me is to just feel more self-confident. How can I take on challenges if I feel I need someone else's help all the time? It's exuhasting being that codependent.

2 Comments
  1. Andie372 8 years ago

     For me, depression is not a lack of things.  It's a feeling of despair, confusion, and lonliness.  For me to deal, I have meds and have been through talk therapy.  I try to exercise and eat right.  My children are grown (daughter's 18, son's 27, I have a granddaughter).  Family really fills a lot of the void I feel.  Don't know what to say about your ex, except holding onto something that's gone is only going to be frustrating.  I would suggest dating again.  When you're ready of course.

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  2. Ellowynne 8 years ago

    Way too go, grasshopper, you did real good today…  🙂

    Only we can really limit ourselves…  you already have every answer you seek…  what you seem to be saying, is that even though you make a great deal of money, you don't like your home, and even though you continue to make a go at an education, it is no longer fulfilling, or not going as fast you someone told you it should…

    when you figure out, as I did, that you have every right to seek your bliss all the time, any time, it is your inherent right and only purpose in being here, I am pretty sure you will feel something change in your heart and your purpose… 

    it is true, one thing you say, the sexiest thing about any man is a quiet self-confidence that comes from a place of love…  and my dear chap, love is everywhere for everyone of us, anytime….  it is not dependent upon one person, nor is it your job to "fix" anyone….   you can re-focus your brilliant mind from what you don't have, yet, like a laser unto what you really do want…. you're smart, you get this….  just let go, open up, and just don't be so hard on yourself…  I suspicion you are one very awesome dude…  😉  Ell

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