I really don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel okay but it's weird. It's like my brain is actively trying to distract me so that I don't feel much bad but then it just slowly creeps back and its like waking up from a dream and winding up in a nightmare.

My birthday is next week and while part of me is looking forward to it another part of me is scrambling around trying to decided how I really feel. How will I handle having my boyfriend around my work friends when I keep both worlds completely seperate. I talk to my boyfriend about them and tell them all the little drama that happens at work but never have I thought of how I would combine the two. My boyfriend is like me in the sense that he would rather hang out with my dad than around me and my friends because he doesn't know them and it will be weird. But I want everything to mesh and be okay but I don't know what will happen. Especially with my family there. On top of all that I invited the ex-ish best friend I severed from my life but only tonight decided to chat with. What the hell is going on with me is what I would like to know. I'm on this freaking teeter totter or roller coaster or something and I just want silence. I don't want to deal with feelings or problems or anything. I told her everything that has been going on with me and have yet to hear what she has to say but knowing her she'll be all mushy and happy to have me back. I don't know how she does it and I know I don't deserver it. I want so much to not have anymore human attachement to people but that is impossible and so why I am actively trying to throw away a 7 or 8 year friendship when I have suffered six years not getting over losing a friend I only had for two years. I don't understand myself. There are so many possibilites. Let's see, first there is: She could die and that would hurt worse than stopping the friendship now. But that one doesn't make much sense because I always have odd fascinations or almost morbid curiousity about loved ones dying. I want that pain I want that despair. It makes me feel real. Happiness just makes me feel awkward and strange. So number two coudl be that she has changed a lot and has gotten a whole new group of friends along with a new boyfriend and I feel like I won't fit in and I really hate change so that in itself would be enough to drive me away. That makes the most sense. We had so many good memories and fun times and at the same time I was always so overbearing with here, I degraded her and always saw her as lower than me. Like a little pesky sister. I hate how I am with people sometimes. I try so hard to control the people in my life when it is futile. I have only recently stopped doing that with my boyfriend because I realize that if I really love him I need him to be free to do what he needs to do in order to not feel smothered by me and not want to be in this relationship. I don't know why I need to be in control so much when all my life I hated the control my mother had over me, even though I rebelled at every turn. I know I would die if I lost my boyfriend, I would never be able to recover. But why is it so easy to stop talking to my mom and my best friend? I wish I understood and at the same time I don't want to care. I just want to live and let live. I just want my best friend but will I like who she has become? Should I just like her anyways? I'm so afraid that I"ll feel that same old annoyance I felt constantly the last few times I hung out with her. Why is everything so hard for me. I seriously think way too much. Is there a way to turn that off without becoming a drug addict or an alcoholic? I can't even get into sex anymore because my brain is running at a hundred miles an hour. I want to be normal but I don't want to feel normal. I don't want to feel I just want to play the part the way an actor does. I know you have to get into your role but I don't want to be so attached to it. I DON'T KNOW! Everything is up and down and left and right. There is never a constant, never any peace. There is always something, always. I don't feel right feeling normal or having a normal relationship. I'm always looking for the hurt and the heart ache and so I just feed off other people's. I drink up the drama like its a good book that I need to keep myself entertained or distracted from my reality of nothing. I don't feel like I could be a mother, since as far back as I can remember I've never even been able to say the word pregnant. It just sounds so freaking strange and awkward to me but then again I'm always wanting to have a baby. The tiny clothes and the stuff ya know? CRAP…I don't know what to do or how to be. I feel there is a real me in here somewhere but its fragmented and broken and only comes out in special circumstances. Around certain people but every other time I"m some spineless weak quiet shell of a human. When deep down inside I have so many opinions and feelings but I feel like I need to hide from people. I care too much how people will act or what they'll do. But there will come a time soon when I will move out and I will have to tell my parents that I"m going to live with my boyfriend and no matter how much they don't like it I need to do it. I need to stand up for myself and stop feeling so sick about what they'll think about me. Once I"m out of here I don't want to speak to them. They have had such a damaging effect on my life, I feel so stupid for being so broken down by their assumptions and judgments. I always say that its the last straw but ugh. Yeah…there's no point in any of it. But I just want to not care. So what there is no point? I'ma do what I want when I want because life is fleeting even if there is no end result I don't need fake promises from fake religions to make me happy and give me purpose. If only I could just be…


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