Depression,I hate you. Every day you come out and do your best to destroy me.You cripple my mind to think of nothing else but my own death.I hate you.You cost me so much happiness and experience that I only now at the age of 41 have begun to realize what I missed.At nearly every event in my life you were there to make me feel bad about myself.You had me convinced that I hated myself. In the dull half light that was your cloud over my thoughts I lived in shame and embarrassment.It is not me that I should have hated all this time. It is what you have done and continue to do to me. I will beat you. I have to. I will not give in to you telling me how worthless I am. I will not give in to you telling me that the world is better off without me. I am a human being. I have intrinsic value and worth. I am loved. I am capable of doing good things. I wish you were in the flesh so that I could choke the life out of you and get rid of your mind wrecking voice. I want you out of my life. Forever. Go away. Just go away.I want to live again and be happy. You cover me in a net of dark energy. You fill me with dread and I despair.My arms and legs become lead.My thinking is slowed to thick mud.I want to hide away and never come out.I am so tired.I want to cry for a thousand years but I still know that isn't enough.I fail.I fail.I fail.Over and over again. Why do I feel so worthless? I an so tired and finding motivation sucks when toy don't want to get motivated.My legs feel like they are filled with thick mud. my thinking is almost entirely self involved, dark to be sure.I am so tiredI hate how I feel! I hate who I an and what I am. I feel so worthless. There seems to be no hope for a better life. Just an endless beat down over my head. Every time I think there's going to be hope I get screwed.