Hello,

Right after this post, I will be going for an ert appointment. My therapist had me download a movie that has a violent scene which is the theme of my obsession. She is going to have me play the scene in her office on my ipad, while holding a knife. It seems pretty powerful, but she is quite excited as it will lead to a lot of anxiety.

That's great and all, but yesterday I had another meltdown. I realize that stress was probably a big factor. I went back to school after Spring Break and my kids were quite off, which is normal. I have been very stressed out about money and if I will finally get a full time job next year. There are things in my family that have made me upset. By the time I got home, I had such a terrible headache, and my violent thoughts over a boy at work and kids in my neighborhood were relentless. It got to the point where I started catastrophizing again, seeing myself in jail, losing my little girl, etc. I almost had a panic attack. So I took a sleeping pill and went to bed.

I know I am not putting enough effort into the planned exposures like the one I will be doing today. But I am trying other things. I am letting the thoughts be there. I am trying to just live with the risk and uncertainty. But I find I just have more anxiety. Constant doubt. I don't ever hear anyone else talk about obsessing about jail and so that makes me even more anxious. Today I actually feel really down. I haven't felt this way in a while. But I don't want to eat, leave the house, nothing. These up and down cycles are par for the course for me, and to be honest, they are starting to take their toll.

I am resisting the urges to compulse. I want to phone my dad like I always used to and ask him if I'll be ok. I want to pray. I want to take a sick day and not go in to work so I won't get thoughts. But I won't do all those things.

I have been on Paxil for a very long time. Maybe it is time to change medication? My psychiatrist suggested Luvox CR if I was interested.

I am trying to be strong and I know this will pass. But right now I am in a very scary, dark place. This illness is beating me down, robbing me of a happy life, and I don't know how much more of me there is left to fight back.

Donnie