Earlier, I blogged about the problems that I have with my boyfriend and now I'm blogging to say that we've hit a wall yet again in the form of me picking a fight.

See, he's a "DJ" only he has no musical credibility. He wants to be a "dirty DJ" and when I kept asking why it mattered if he played dirty music or not, he finally admitted that "a little" of the appeal is getting girls to dirty dance together.

I've posted elsewhere about his sexual shortcomings — exes, lies, just painful crap without him actually cheating — and was told that he is a creep and to dump him. Why do I keep going back? Why do I keep myself in this situation knowing that it's causing me to develop yet another emotional problem? Why can't I cut him off entirely, just delete him, block him, and let the pain feed on me until there is nothing left?

Me: Then what is the point of being a "dirty DJ"?

Him: it's just fun ok?

Me: But fun why?

Me: Why is that sort of fun different than the other fun?

Him: when you get the whole crowd going nuts and just want to blow their minds, it's just an excperience I guess, like you're like "Yeah well you liked this, now take this"

Him: I dunno

Me: But don't other DJs do that without dirty music? Why dirty music?

Him: I don't know ok?

Me: You don't know?

Me: How do you not know why you prefer dirty over the other?

Him: Because it's more me I guess

Me: How is it you?

Him: I don't really know how to describe it

Him: it just feels me

Me: Swear on my life that getting a girl dancing with another girl dirty has NO appeal to playing that music

Him: maybe a little but not that much

I hate sex. I can't enjoy it, I can't enjoy being female, I cry constantly and even sometimes think about starving myself or doing something drastic. I can feel myself slowly breaking down into self-destructive patterns because I'm angry and feel unloved and hurt and inadequate and I'm so fucking tired of it. I want to tell him that I hate him and cheat on him so that he can feel the pain that I feel. I want to develop an attraction to/connection with another male and let him feel like shit the way that I have for years.

I want to be single and free from pain, I hate being hurt all the time, it's been 9 years of bullshit from one person or another, won't anyone just leave me alone or actually help me?

2 Comments
  1. Guinevere19 11 years ago

    I was dating a DJ for a while. He wasn't a "dirty DJ" but he tried to tell me that all the flirting and dancing with other girls came with the job and thats BS. He got paid no matter if he said one word to anyone else or not. I loved him and had trouble breaking away from him, too. But it's OK to think about yourself and your feelings. If you want to leave, then leave. If you're not ready, that's OK, too. Just remember that your feeling are important, too.

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  2. Reyesik 11 years ago

     i totally understand. i sometimes wish i could do the same thing. if i could i would totally help you. 

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