When I think about what happened with Justin, I get angry because he is the one who took it all away from me. Sure I had anxiety about other things in my childhood, but he is the one who took everything away. He is the one who took away the feeling of safety. He is the one who stole my confidence and love for myself. When I think back to that day I am angry at two people: him and me. Him for doing it too me, but me for hating him for doing it. That day he left the insides of me naked. He took away so many things and replaced them with sadness, anxiety, sensitivity, insecurity, and shame. That day, I lost part of myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I just want to be a confident, athletic, smart, safe, and kind 15 teen year old girl who everyone wants to be around and who loves herself. I constantly go back and forth between confidence and insecurity, positivity and negativity, happiness and sadness. I can’t control it. My thoughts are all of the place. And sometimes when I tell my mom I don’t feel comfortable or safe, I feel like a burden. A child who is keeping her from full happiness. Here I am suffering from my thoughts and the pain of all the memories and all she can do it worry. She can’t help me. I feel bad for putting her through this. I feel bad I am compromising some of her happiness. Sure part of this could be hormones and teenage girl stuff, but my life is changed. At camp one of the girls pulled me down by my collar to sit down. I got mad and reacted in a strict tone. I immediately regretted it, but when she did it, I felt like I was back in that room. I felt like I was back in the chair holding his neck and pushing him away. I could feel myself becoming worried that my safety will be taken away again. I couldn’t let that happen. I can’t keep letting this cycle repeat. I can’t keep feeling happy one part of the day and sad the next. I keep bouncing around. Sometimes I am very appreciative of my life and others I it is overwhelming. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I had this picture in my mind of me being confident, happy, and done dealing with all this mental baggage during sophomore year. I am worried this is not going to happen. What if it is never done, but I just have to deal with this constantly everyday. I don’t know how I will handle. I don’t know if I will be able to handle it. Right now, it seems like too much. Too much to deal with. How am I supposed to deal with seeing my dad a few days a month, an aspergers brother who is going through a lot of change, supporting my mom in the months after her sister’s death, staying out of my mom’s way so she can worry about her other children, my childhood with justin, the feeling of failure, and anxiety also while dealing with school, grades, boys and crushes, basketball, freinds, classes, driving, braces, and all the other normal teenage girl stuff. I try to see things from other people’s perspective. I try to realize that I have an amazing life. I try to understand that everything will work out, but right now I am loosing faith and hope that I will be the person I was before all of this happened. I was telling my dad about about my struggle with basketball confidence and he told me that this started the summer that everything happened with Justin. I did not question myself in 8th grade. I did not hesitate or worry about disappointing people. I just played the game for fun. Now, all I use basketball for is to take away all the emotional pain. I use it to put all my energy into so I have something to do and I have a way to get my emotions out. I just want to go back to normal, whatever that means.


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