So I lived through today…now what? I’ve nothing else to look forward to. My grandmother is coming home Monday…I don’t know how to feel. Having her here will give me something to do but it doesn’t change my fear of the future.
Before I go in further with my ongoing black mood, I’ll mention the highlights of my day.
I went with my brother and cousins to get the Sims 3, another addiction I’m sure. Not only did I go out in public but I got into a car without older adults. It’s not that I don’t trust my cousins, I just think of statistics and teenage drivers.
When I told Dad my brother and two cousins were going to Target, I swear he said what? in a panicked voice. WTF?? If I–miss antisocial agoraphobic–will go, he shouldn’t worry. I was fine as were my brother and cousins.
Something I find sad, I’m nineteen and today is the closest I’ve come to wanting to smoke a cigarette. God, could I be anymore pathetic?
Okay, back to what I describe best: what goes wrong in my life and reasons I detest myself.
When my cousin came, he’s the same age as me, I felt envy cover me like a blanket. As I drove to Target with my brother and cousins, I cursed myself for being such a f*cking chicken about driving.
As the days pass and life changes, I can see myself in a hospital more and more. But the steps I have to take to get there are a bit risky. I don’t think my family wants to see everything…most of my family–aunts, uncles and cousins–don’t know I’ve been suffering. I imagine my cousins may know a little but only through what they see on myspace.
I really think fear is going to drive me to hurt myself. As I type this, my parents mention me going to a two year college…the very thought makes me very anxious. It paralyzes me. 
How much damage can a cut back in therapy, fear, an elderly grandparent and an insurance change do? I’m thinking a great deal in the coming weeks.