He didn't deserve it. Eddie did, but not Nick. And now… I still can't move on. I came home from a date tonight, a fairly good date, and all I can think about is Nick. He was… Yes, I know I am idealizing him. I know I hardly knew him. I know it was over two years ago. But when you find someone who helps you on three levels… They don't just vanish into thin air.
I think about him all the time. How is he feeling now? Does he watch what we do? Does he actually give a shit about me? It wouldn't be unrealistic if he thought I was just being the eptiome of clingy. I am but for a far better reason than most. I needed someone like him in more ways than one and I knew he needed someone like me. Did I fail him? Was I even given the chance to fail him?
And of course these are questions that a) can't be answered and b) make everyone still in my life run with terror from me. Yes, my life has had it's shitty moments but if you'd been through some of the stuff I have, I wouldn't just tell you to get the fuck over it. People are useless scum. If they're not hurting one another, they're actively avoiding helping each other. It's disgusting. I should have kept my pessimism instead of finding the one single person who actually could have given a little bit of a shit. And now that he can't say anything, returning to my natively pessimistic state has been all the easier, what with "friends" shoving me down that path with a jousting pole screaming something like "don't come back until you're absolutely perfect!" Fuck that. Society is so individualistic and self-absorbed that we're all trained to find that one weakness and exploit it in everyone. To manipulate emotions until they're taken out. Society, fuck what you think. I will cut, I will cry and I will pine. And I won't change just because you like to see my smile. Stop popping your high fructose corn syrup happy pills and see what life is really like. It's not all slow-moving and half enthusiastic rainbows and butterflies.
…I've morphed. It use to all be internal and now a lot of it turns around and lashes out at those who just walked away. If no body wants to hear my sadness and help, then you can hear my anger and feel like crap.