I have a lot of anxiety still, I’m still sad, not as awful as last night. Its only because I feel so alone and like no one I am friends with cares about how I truely feel. I can’t tell anyone how sad and alone and scared I am. Being at school ampifies the feeling I have of being rejected, about not really being part of a group. I wonder what everyone from my past thinks of me, whether they are avoiding me because they feel guilty or because they’re done with me, like an old sock or a tire that doesn’t run smooth anymore.
It is embarrasing being alone. It is sad because I want so much to be loved or cared about and the more people don’t the more I wonder whether I am worth being cared about. Am I nothing? I am letting people let me feel like nothing.
The bright point of my day was meeting alex. He sat a seat away from me in logic and randomly introduced himself. We talked a little before class. He’s cute, tall, friendly. He’s also a transfer student, though he’s lived in this area before college so he knows a lot of people. I felt that vibe that he might be interested, so I made the leap to ask him after class to grab lunch. It was nice, it felt normal to not have someone look at me with hatred/pity in their eyes. I wonder if he thinks I am pretty, I wonder if he thinks I am worth it. He walked me to my next class and I hoped he would ask for my number but he didn’t….he just said see you thurs…..maybe he wasn’t into it. He was a frat president at his other school, that’s the only thing that makes me scared of him, because a lot of frat guys are….promiscous…..players….noncommital types.
It is very hard to cope, to feel for the future, to not feel left out of my past life. I dread the weekend and the thought that I would be alone, that all my old friends would get together and party and not think about me. Not think about how much it hurts me, or how they would feel in my situation. I don’t know what to do about that, but it’s only tues I guess. I just wish I had some support.