Okay, so it's not really like anyone is going to read this… (which is why i googles a place to blog where no one i know will ever stumble across it)
But if anyone does please be nice, I'm lying here in my grandmas spare bed, and i was having a shitty night as usual and because there are no new tv shows to download or movies i started raping youtube, just thinking all the usual depressing thoughts in my head, and about how fucked off i am that no one has ever noticed my depression, that i asked my mum for help and she thought i was joking, i mean, how fucking thick can my mother be, honestly, i tried to hang myself when i was 9 years old…. 9…. don't you think thats a pretty obvious sign that something is going on?
Anyways, started messaging an old friend who asked how i was and i told her im getting help… she was all like yaaay good for you, although i have been neglecting my help, i just cant EVER get out of bed, so i miss all my appointments, they put me on anti depresants, but then when my perscription ran out i was feeling too lazy to get out of bed, go to the dr's and get some more so i've basically just given up on myself… yet again… okay seriously what the fuck am i rambling about.
I could sit here and tell my big fucking sob story and everyone would feel sorry for me but i wont, its not like im the onlyu abuse victim in the world, aalthough i still and fucking upset about my best friend killing himself a year ago, and my son being murdered and im 18!!! Whuuuut the fuuuck is wrong with me, seriously…. i got my dream job last year, got suicidal, kept sleeping 3 days without even waking up once and got fired…. gah no one will read this so ima stop rambling now.
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i read, wow what a horrible time you have had. i can't even imagine. what happened to your son? how did you end up at your grandmas?
i know how you feel about missing appts because you stay in bed, it is a vicious cycle, i have finally realized that i think a lot of negative thoughts about myself and am talking myself out of that, but still there is the problem of getting out of bed, that is what i long for each day
even when i think hey i can do this and this today, the problem is getting myself out of bed
as my counselor said, i am healing and i lost my bootstraps , so no pulling myself up by my bootstraps, right now i am relying on my counselor, the meds and God to be my bootstraps, it sounds like you have lost your bootstraps too
hugs to you