It's been along day mom's dr. appt just lead to more tests, we're both tired. I made her nacho's for dinner and feed her nurse Christy as well.

I'm still in a funk, if you will. I'm still having flashbacks of the pasts, missing so many things! I'm tearful just thinking about having a life again. I see people around me making changes, having gardens, grilling out, getting in there cars and driving away……and I can only do these things in my head.My councelor said I needed to use my mind to ecsape my cell, comparing my life to being in a prison cell, which its true, it's totally like that, except for the doors slamming, mine just leads to no where. That made me have some really strange emotions, if I'm living my life as in jail but haven't committed a crime…….? but I totally understand the comparsion… just made me have wierd feelings.

I am wondering about many things at this time, I have been thinking about when my mom goes, which I do not like to think of such matters, but I must for her sake and mine.If I aquire this house, this big house, what am I going to do? All alone with no income or anyone to share it with, just things on my mind. I also need to get her a living will written up so her wishes are carried out, many things on the agenda. It's so wierd how I take care of people and then they leave me one way or the other.

I also feel mixed emotions about meeting someone important in my life, like I do and don't deserve someone, I feel this way because I'm such a mess right now, and I'm afraid my judgement is off, I catch myself being so desperate for alittle joy that I will do anything to get out even just for a moment…..I am afraid of myself in my desperation, I'll really make a bad choice, and end up in another bad place, with another bad person.

I wish you all a happy, and peaceful weekend! Lots of laughfter and just a good weekend free of all your worries, blink, blink, blink….I hope it worked. lol..Dianne Hugging you all. Goodnight.

1 Comment
  1. Di 12 years ago

    Well I know you understand  how I'm feeling then. I'm happy that you at least have had a good relationship with your dad even if only briefly, your lucky. i agree that when their quality of life gets not so good, I guess its time to go and yes I two feel selfish in that I don't want to accept her being gone, but I don't want her to be in pain or unhappy either…..its hard either way.

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