I'm doing appreciably better at the moment, but the previous 24 hours have been rough. Even with work from 1am to 9:30am I had plenty of time with my thoughts, and that is never a good thing. My mind kept drifting to my ex-wife. Over and over I found myself wiping tears off my cheeks. Not just in the privacy of my room, or while driving alone, but in the parking lot of my job, and in one of the work aisles.
I don't feel divorced. I don't feel like she is no longer meant for me.
I found myself slowing down at my job, because too much of my being was spent keeping myself from running amok. My frustrations and loneliness compounded with my traditional inability to suffer stupidity (which is rampant at my job), leaving me seriously in the mood to do some damage. I wanted to lash out at almost everyone there.
There are only a few people there worth the skin they're printed on, and my favorite of those is moving to Pittsburgh in a few months. I was never crazy about the job in the first place, and now we keep hiring additional help for the holidays. The break room was so crowded that I spent my break in the receiving area sitting on a couch in storage.
It didn't help that the heater was on in the store until the office pogues showed up ~7am. I'm generally overheated enough in my room. You'd think I could stay cool in a giant, fucking store.
I was also, it seems, quite easy to ignore today.
Me: "Good morning. How are you doing today?"
Co-worker 1: "Fine, how're you?"
Me: "Not too well, actually. . ."
Co-worker 1: "Uh-huh. Where do the lightbulbs go?"
Co-worker 2: "Is that all the pull for diapers?"
Me: "That's all from the receiving area, but there's still tons more from aisle 26."
Co-worker 2: "I'll push the flat out to location, then." Comes back to find me pushing out a 2nd flat with more diapers on it. "I thought that was all."
Me: "There was still plenty more from 26."
Believe me, that shit gets old fast.
Now I'm eating an apple fritter that my dad insists on calling a bear claw. I'm going to go to bed soon. I have to be back at the store at midnight.
Merciful Zeus, but I hate myself, and almost everything to do with my life.