Im not a poet so if your expecting a pretty wordy little thing you'll be disappointed. Also this is a selfish attempt to console my conscience.

The road to hell really is paved with good intentions. I have always tried to help others and give of myself. How can this be wrong? I truly feel joy and satisfaction from doing this. I dont expect payment or reciprocation. I dont expect god to carve me a place in heaven. If I were to put a selfish value on my desire to help, it would simply be the hope that someone would come to my aid if I were beaten and down. Really down. I mean really mother f'in down. I am a Rock after all.

People have shown me that they care about me and I do notice this. I contribute. I nurture. I share what little wisdom I have. I know we are all scared children looking for someone to just…care that we exist. We are all so damn alone. No matter how many are standing with us we are all so damn alone.

Like throwing money at a financial problem, we throw love where none exists and it can never be enough because there is a hole in the bottom of the boat.  I dont even know if I know what love is anymore! The love I have given has always left a wake of pain and heartache when it was supposed to leave joy and happiness. Is it warped? Is it incomplete? Is it too little? Too much? Is it misdirected? I dont know anymore.

I would like to say that this is it…I will close myself off and keep what twisted love I have for myself and my cats. I know I wont do this. I have told myself this before and it doesn't happen. I love me. I really do. My love of myself is honest and designed to fit me. I just dont think I am like everyone else so my love does not fit right. Nothing about me fits anyone else right. Im like a shoe that feels great when you put it on, but really starts to hurt after a short time.

There. I have made myself feel better about me by writing this little 'blog', which I think is a silly word, but it will do nothing for those that I have touched and hurt. I cannot undo anything I have done in the name of 'Good Intentions'.

If you find yourself compelled to comment on this, good or bad or indifferent, you have way too much time on your hands, but I thank you nonetheless ahead of time……………..

  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    I am a little confused by your blog. Did your good intentions really do harm, or is this a prever type of depression, showin itself as disguished self hate. I know depression sucks the energy out of the room. Depressed people often feel low self esteem, have negative thoughts which drive them even deeper into their depression and usually feel as though life is not worth living. I picked up aspects of this in your blog, but as I said your blog confuses me.

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  2. Rock64 12 years ago

    Yes I know my intentions have done harm.  Life is definitely worth living. I am not really depressed at all. i do not hate myself, but i cannot shake the overwhelming feeling of pain that  I see in those i have sought to help and the knowledge that I have contributed greatly to that pain dispite my all consuming attempts to make a difference to the contrary. I dont know what  to do for them, I don't know where to go from here, and it hurts me so……damn……bad!

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