Where do I begin? It started at the end of December 2016. I’d always had anxiety but it was never this bad. I witnessed my grandma have alcoholic-induced seizures. I had witnessed it once before but I was okay. This moment was different. It felt like a part of my soul left my body. I was continuously left with a “not-here feeling.” I didn’t feel like I was here. On a different note, the anniversary of my mom’s fiance’s death was coming up. He had had multiple health issues, and died of a brain aneurysm. To make matters worse, I researched. I looked to Google for inspiration. I had never had panic attacks before, it was all new to me. O didn’t understand why I felt like this. I discovered the term “hypochondriac.” Every thing I researched, I was almost certain I had it. A kid on a movie has a tumor, I must have a tumor. I’ve always had anxiety but this was way worse. Constantly thinking that I’m going to have a seizure, or a brain aneurysm, or a tumor, or cancer, or any other terminally ill condition has been torture. Even the thought of me being in a hospital bed… I end up turning a regular cold into a disease, in my mind. It’s like I forgot what it was like to have allergies. All of this has changed everything. Going outside, going to school, going to work, passing a hospital – anything has been torture for me. I ended up missing a ton of school. What was so worse about school is that I was working on the school musical as a costume designer and one of the actor’s had a seizure. That made me give up my dream of acting altogether. A special needs girl at school had a seizure. It was coming up everywhere. People were making jokes about seizures, aneurysms (my mom’s fiance has about three.) I didn’t realize how normalizing everyone made it out to be. I was angry that I couldn’t go back to the old me and just ignore it all. I had a newfound fear of death. I was constantly worried about going to sleep and never waking up. I no longer had an appetite. As a vegetarian, jt was hard for me to eat much but the simple fact that I never wanted to do anything anymore, I just stopped eating. I was overweight for a big part of my childhood so it was crazy to me. I had to speak with nutritionists and counselors at my school-based health clinic because of the rapid weight loss. The lack of nutrients caused me to feel worse and I believed that something worse was gonna happen to me. The fact that I looked so different now – I just didn’t feel like myself. I had no one to talk to, I abandoned all of my middle school/elementary friends, I felt like all of the new high schoolers didn’t get me, and it didn’t feel like my mom or my grandma understood me. When I got back in contact with my “old friends” I made up so many lies to make it seem like my life was better or to realm them in to stay. I didn’t even realize how much I had changed. I stopped talking to the kids at school barely, I ditched school to hang out with my middle school friends. It was the worse. I took a “me-day” to all new means. I disappointed my family with my grades, I used to be an all A student. Summer passed and I was distracted by my god-family and friends. School came back around and I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to go back to my old school, I wasn’t sure if I could see every one again. Hell I couldn’t even go outside to see thw sunlight before thinking I was going to “see the light.” But I went back to school, it was going slightly better. As much as I used to love the subject, health was difficult because I couldn’t think about the brain without getting anxious or panicky. Even hearing or seeing the words involving seizure, brain, nerves, aneurysm, blood, clots, etc has drove me into insanity. A boy from my school died in his sleep in October cause of an overdose. That made me feel even worse, that made me not want to sleep at all. School got worse but I hate being at home too. I hate being home by myself alone with nothing but my thoughts. If I’m not panicking, I’m thinking of nothing. Sometimes my mind is so empty, I’m afraid I’m losing my memory. I feel like all my family ia worried about is my school grades and my future, but not me. They don’t think I’m doing anything to end it but it’s hard and maybe I’m not working on it hard enough, but it’s really difficult. I did yoga all up until what happened with my grandma.  I don’t know how to really work on my breathing anymore. I’m just afraid of everything. I don’t think about suicide because I’m afraid of death but I’m afraid of what my family and friends would think. Their sadness. I always have been afraid of what people think of me. I’ve always had social anxiety, which doesn’t help being at such a large high school. I also love being in control and all oc this just proves that I have no control. Which is what scares me so much. I don’t know what I want in life anymore. Sometimes I just want to stay asleep all day but I know I can’t do that. I probably left alot out of thia blog but I’m not rereading or editing anything. I just want my life back, I just want help.

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