I dont know what this feeling is. Its been two weeks sence i changed my number. My dad has been calling me up. harrassing me for the past 2 years. I stoped talking to him the day he told me he was going to drive down here and kill me and my mother. i dont believe he would actually do it, but the threat alone was enough to stop talking to him. he threatened me because i missed a call from him. it wasnt my falt. i was in class. am i suposed to drop everything and tend to his every will? one call. just one was all it took for him to explode on me. i stoped talking to him. and he's been calling me up every day for the past two years leaving me messages. i listen to every single one. and it makes me both sad and happy. sad because i hear how hurt he is. because i no longer talk to him. and i can tell that he misses me. sad because i know i should hate him. but i dont. and sad because it had to come to this. im happy because i know hes okay, that hes not in the hispital again. and that he hasnt died yet. but then i get sad again because he has called me. that everytime he calls he leaves messages like"im going to come down there and kill you and your basterd boyfriend". he never even took the time to check to see who he was leaving me with when he left me. i was 12. he didnt even care.

we had such a good time together. when i was a kid you and i. i dont know how it got to this.. all the threatning, you beating me, me running away. I should hate you, for all the things you did to me. for the things that you did to me that changed my life. Im scared to death of men, and i cant handle being in the same room as one. My relationships are screwed because of you. I will never trust my faithful boyfriend of 5 years, simply because he is a man. What im trying to say is. im confused. you did all these things to me and more. You hurt me more than any person could have ever dreamed of, and yet. i simply dont. I miss you. more than anything. I miss that father figure in my life that i will never have. all i ever wanted was a sorry. and that last phone call you did. it was sort of a reality check for me. that you have been useing me all these years. why didnt i ever see it? i guess i was hopeing for something that was never going to happen. i was hopeing for you to be the father that you used to be. but now i know that will never happen because your stuck in your fairy tail that you made up. you stole from me,and ruined my life. why do i still love you.. why do i still charish you? i dont understand these feelings and i wish i could just drown them. this should be a good thing.. getting rid of you. but i miss you… whats wrong with me? i thought things were going to change. that this was going to help me get over the whole im scared of men thing. i thought this was going to help me become happy again. aparently i was wrong.. you did make me stronger though. every fist you threw, every curse you tossed my way. it made me strong. at least on the outside. i just dont know how to feel anymore..


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