I just cannot calm myself down. It is almost 5:00 in the morning and I am so worked up that I just can't cool it.
It's occurred to me that I am busting my ass in school and for what? A chance at maybe getting a good job? Maybe having a nice house? Maybe having a nice car? While my brother doesn't have a job and is already guaranteed a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house with a pool and some land, a personal cook (Mom), a maid (Mom again), a cleaning lady (…Mom…), and all the video games a person could ever want.
I don't know why I'm in school, I really don't. I keep hearing, "Well you'll have a better life than your brother." Would you really call working 40+ hours a week for 35 years better than being on a permanent lifelong vacation? For all I know, I could graduate and fall flat on my face. His life is all worked out. He doesn't have to pay car insurance and thanks to the stellar work of the Obama Administration, he doesn't even have to pay for health care for 7 more years. No rent, no groceries, will always have a home, I mean shit…I really got fucked over here, I really did.
Oh well, I'll probably have a heart attack one day anyways…
Increases in blood pressure related to stress can be dramatic. But once the stressor disappears, your blood pressure returns to normal. However, even temporary spikes in blood pressure — if they occur often enough — can damage your blood vessels, heart and kidneys in a way similar to long-term high blood pressure.
In addition, if you react to stress by smoking, drinking too much alcohol or eating unhealthy foods, you increase your risk of high blood pressure, heart attack and stroke.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-and-high-blood-pressure/HI00092
But that's you and that's an entirely different situation. My brother isn't living on government benefit and he doesn't have bad health. He simply does not work. He stays up until 4:30 in the morning playing video games, he wakes up late, downs a soda, and does the same thing the next day. There is a very big difference between the mentality of an adult who feels bad about not having a job and the mentality of an adult who acts like a kid on a permanent summer vacation. He doesn't get self-esteem from having a job, he has self-esteem without one. It's like a trait the men on my Dad's side of the family all have. Whether they work or not, whether they are actually smart or not, they just think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread.
I really wish I had been born with unshakable self-esteem like that…although the idiocy that often accompanies it kinda makes it not worth it…
But in any case, I get overwhelmed easily and sometimes I worry what that will mean for me later but I have stuck with school and working towards gaining a career and my own life anyways. But when I look at how happy he is and how spoiled rotten and selfish he is, sometimes I think, "I should have stayed home…" I don't want to be useless but I'm not guaranteed a good life. He basically is, I'm not. And that sucks. And I know that I am not the only person who wouldn't mind having such an easy schedule. In fact, I think a lot of people who have been on unemployment for 2 years probably prefer that to working. Not all, but a lot. Everyone is different and when I compare my life to his, it's hard to not be at least a little angry.
I'm living at home right now, and I'm 24. Before all this, I was getting two bachelor degrees at a well esteemed college. I rarely go outside of the house, and I have everything I need here at my parents' home. I'm so embarassed to tell anyone I'm living here. How lame is it to be 24 and living at home? Try meeting someone and saying, well…can't come over because I'm kinda living at home, and my parents are asleep right now. As much as it sucks to pay bills and rent, it feels amazingly good to be able to do it yourself. I feel like a failure. It isn't all its cracked up to be..this "vacation". Not saying you should feel sorry for him either. I'm saying, you have a lot to look forward to. A whole whole lot. I'm jealous of you.
But see, the thing is, neither of us has friends. He never will and frankly, I'm too introverted to care. I suppose what I am trying to say is that my life has been far more complicated than his and it won't ever be less complicated. I'm going to leave here at the end of the summer, go back to school, start getting up early in the morning, rushing around, studying, having panic attacks, getting lectured, etc. and at the end of it all, I might have a life of my own. And if not, well I've failed as well. Yeah, I will have failed trying but paying off over $30,000 in debt, maybe even over $40,000 isn't as easy of a task as sleeping in and playing games. Sometimes I'd like to just sleep in and have nothing to do for the day. Sometimes the anxiety gets old.
He’s 19.
The reason I don’t just stay home is because that was never an option for me and it still isn’t.
First, my Dad began pushing me into college. By the time I graduated from high school I was such a mess emotionally that I just couldn’t go. This angered him, even after I said that I just wanted time off to get a job first.
Then, he pushed me into getting a job right away since I was no longer in school. He pushed so hard that he actually loaded me up in his truck and drove me around the county to apply for jobs. He even drove me places I didn’t want to go but he told me that I couldn’t afford to be picky and that I should apply everywhere so I wound up applying for many positions that I didn’t feel comfortable with.
And now that I am in school, I can’t financially afford to stop. I’d have a 6 month grace period before it’d be required of me to begin making payments and I don’t know if I could afford them. I certainly wouldn’t be paying them off anytime soon that way.
My brother was never forced into college. He always flew under the radar. If he got behind in his work, my parents would think up some excuse for why he was struggling. If I dropped from an A to say, a B or a C, my Dad would ask, “What happened?” And all throughout elementary school, I had to do my brother’s homework while he threw hissy fits over being made to sit with me while I did it. It was “easier” on my parents since they both worked and he paid so little attention to his studies that making him do it himself would have resulted in it never getting done on time. And I was just a kid so I wasn’t really in any position to refuse.
I know that you guys feel bad if you don’t have a job but not everyone does. My Mom doesn’t. Neither did my Gram and neither does my 41 year old cousin who hasn’t worked a day in her entire life and spends most of her time watching tv. My great uncle and my brother are two more people in my family who never worked and feel absolutely fine. Meanwhile, I feel good when I have something to do but there are times when I feel pressured and overwhelmed and I don’t know if I’ll ever get a house as nice as this one (not that it’s a mansion or anything) and I don’t know where I’ll end up. I envy his contentment and the fact that he’s safe. No matter what he does, my parents seem to support him and protect him from ever experiencing even the slightest amount of discomfort. Unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky as to avoid the unpleasant parts of life.