I could never really "stand" people but they were worth it before. Now I am not sure they are. I can't lump every one into the same group, but that's how I feel right now. Can't stand anyone, can't deal with them. Some of it is anger, other is fear, other is I just plain don't have the energy.
I got a comment from a user here who says that if you find self esteem from others (rather than from believing in yourself from inside) you will lose that once those people leave. And she is right. People DO leave. And to base your self-worth on them being around just doesn't work. I don't know how to change how I feel about myself, but I do know that I can't give other people the value I should place on myself.
I am really tired of dealing with people who go in and out of my life. Real tired. I want to totally isolate and not talk to or deal with anyone. My therapist I used to go to a couple of yrs ago used to tell me DO NOT isolate. Whatever you do, call friends, talk to people.
No, not gonna work. Those people always disappear or betray me. I have to rely on MYSELF not them. No one has ever been there for me except my parents which is fine, but I really feel like this ugly little thing that only my parents can love. No one else wants me. I am just a useless piece of nothing shit.
God I just want to write a list of the people who casuallywalkin and out of my life. I'm not placing the entire blame on them. Clearly, I'm fucked up in many ways. But trust me I am a good friend. I know I am. Eventhough I do not like myself, I know when I am right and it's a lot of the time. I am kind and generous,have a sense of humor, like to help people. I'm all those good things. I just can't fit in. I am just a loser in so many ways and I don't respect losers. Therefore, I do not respect MYSELF.
I heard from M today. She was my best friend but she disappeared. M is bipolar. We met through chance and bonded by partying and sympathizing with the other because we know what depression is like. She has had a lot of the same experiences as we on this site have had. I cant' blame her for disappearing. She wanted to know if I was mad at her for not being around because she's been sick, I told her I'm not. I told her thatmissher and was worried about her, which is true.But I am not ready to see heragain(I didnt' tell her that, though,I just told her I would call her later) I can't talk to her or anyone else right now, I just don't have the energy. I am completely burned out. I am still so traumatized by what happened the other night.
I am trying to figure out why I am so scared by what happened. It is because I know I would have killed myself if I had the items to do it with. All these other times I wanted to kill myself, but I know I wouldn't carry thru. Once I had the items after Kyle left me and I couldn't get up the balls to use the items, so I didn't do it.
The other night, I would have. The other night, it was different than ever before. I wasn't just drunk and crying and cutting my hair or even my skin… I was looking around the cabinets to doit. There was nothing. The Tylenol PM was all I could find. When I was taking it, I was thinking "I can't take all these because I will ruin my liver. This is not going to kill me." That made me even more frustrated. I know if there was an item I could have used, like a gun or the correct pills… I would have tried it.
This is shocking to me. Why? Because all these years I wanted to die, but I always knew I wouldn't try it. I am terrified of death. I don't think I will go to hell, but I don't think I will be at Peace. I am afraid of some dark place and of course i can't come back if I am dead, so I can't escape.
But that night I was soupset and hurt thatI couldnt' stand the pain and rejection and lonlieness anymore I was willing to risk death for a better thing than what I have now.
I don't know who to trust, I'm not sure writing this is even a good idea. I am not going to kill myself but I am scared and don't want to be left alone again.
When J came over it was such a bad memory, I don't want to see him again it will remind me of that horrible morning.
When I used to hang out with M, she used to hug me and try tocomfort me. J used to try to comfort me too. But no matter whatthey did I felt like the only person who could ever make me feel better was Kyle. Everyone said GET OVER IT!!! But it doesn't change the fact that he was the only one who could help me feel better.
I look so hideous now and I feel even worse. My tooth is hurting so I will have to go to the dentist which means more Tylenol or Advil. I am worried I'll just shoot my liver out and get a fucken ulcer. I can't keep taking those things but my teeth are really bad.
One time M gave me lorezepam and it helped with my anxiety maybe it was with the alcohol but I think it was the lorezepam that helped. A Dr. wanted to prescribe it to me. But it's addictive so I said no. And the side effects are depression, how can I take something for anxiety and risk that it will make me evenmore depressed?
Simple things just aren't working anymore. I'm not sure what to do. My whole environment is lonely and dark and frightening. I can't rely on drugs to fix that. I am trying to think positively and clearly, but I keep thinking I just need whatever will get me to the next moment because I can hardly survive the moment I'm in.