So I'm just having a little pity party. Don't bother reading this if you don't want as It's litterally just me whining about how much everything sucks even though I know tons of people have it worse and I have no right to complain.
Over the past few months my mom and I had grown rather close. My brother is recovering (a bit, still tenuous) from his schizophrenia and my mom's completely ignoring me again. When I DO get ahold of her, the response I get is "Oh you haven't called me in so long!" except I'd tried to get ahold of her many times that day she's just never around. Not a big deal I know but I'd finally started to lean on her for the first time since I was like.. 4.
My ex contacted me and wants to be friends. I tried. I tried really hard. I just can't get over my feelings for him and well… it's just not going to happen again between us from how things are. So today I kinda let him know that I'm still head over heels and contact has to stop again. I totally hurt his feelings as I think I'm the only person he has to talk to right now but… trying to put me first for once.
People in my classes are starting to bully me again. It's like highschool all over again only this time I'm 25. My paranoia is coming back and some are my nervous quirks. I really like the program I'm in (even thought it's super hard) and I really want to finish and have the Vet Tech job. But every morning I wake up feeling nauseous and afraid of what subtle things will be jabbed at me again. Don't get me wrong I've got a bunch of people who're standing up for me and "taking my side" but doesn't really stop how much it hurts when people tell you that "everyone hates you" and "I hate your voice, just stop talking" then points and giggles as you all class with her friends.
I've made it 2 months without any major cutting and I feel like that won't last much longer. Tonight I think I'm going to order chinese to try and cheer up and study for the evening. Maybe watch some sappy love stories where people end up happy even when it's not like that in real life… I dunno, I just desperately need something to bring me up and I don't even want to talk about my issues to people on here because I'm so afraid of any rejection again that it's like I'm back to square one with my therapy again.