there is just too much going on in my head and not enough output. I do not love what I am studying. I do not love where I am currently residing. I have very few friends and my social anxiety keeps me from making more. Because of so many things, my social anxiety got worse. It’s weird how there’s this thing called depression and anxiety that makes you think all kinds of not good things about yourself. Its hard to see the good you’re doing like you’re blind to it. You feel like you’re putting in sooooooo much effort but its never enough. You start seeing bad in people too because you see bad in yourself. Then you get mad at yourself for thinking these things. Only to realize much later, you’ve been gaslighting yourself for a very long time without realizing it.

BE positive! Stop being so negative! If you don’t like it, change it! You’re just lazy and can’t do it. You look stupid.

Those types of thoughts intrude when you’re feeling something you don’t like. I’ve been feeling this way for way too long and I just want a safe space. I want a community that’s loving and supporting. So I dont feel alone and to know that i’m not crazy. God, I wish i didn’t have social anxiety its so lonely without friends. I’m alone often and not in the greatest place in the world so it’s hard to keep away the bad thoughts. I wish I knew deep down that none of them are true and never will be. But my anxiety asks, what if there’s some truth to that? And then it goes on. God please let me have a break. I just want to feel good for more than one day. And make better decisions. And stop listening to my overthinking. Im tired of feeling like i’m crazy, weird, and unlovable.