Well I am hoping that at some point I will come on here and be upbeat – well one great point is that I am now on two stars!!!

Thats about it on the positivity side I'm afraid!

Yesterday as part of my church placement I had to spent a day with a Funeral Directors. Anyway I have never seen someone dead EVER! and so it was a real shock to me, actually it got me thinking about things and so when I got on the phone to G last night I was telling him about my day in the place and how I had started to think about the subject.

One thing he  told me was that when he had come to the time, he wanted to go alone so he could be dignified. I selfishly thought 'what about me? Are you just gonna go into hospital one day and leave me then?' and so of course he lost the plot and called me all the names under the sun.

Then trying to get back on track, I said 'well if I go first, I would love you to be with me at the end, that is what I want'  to which he just said I couldn't get anymore self obsessed and that he would probably go first and if I did die he wouldnt be able to get to me in time.

I know you will all think I am just as selfish as he tells me but Im upset about 2 things really.

1/ It comes over to me like he can't be bothered to come to say goodbye to me if I went first

2/ He is gonna just leave one day and I won't be able to say goodbye

I'm being a complete cow arn't I – I mean this is kind of hypothetical and yet I feel crap – about the above AND about the fact I upset him again!

I seem to be doing that alot lately – he said I should have known that it would upset him talking about dying. But truly that was not my intention at all!!

I really should have just buttoned my mouth shouldn't I?

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