Everyone is messed up, in our own unique way we are all fucked up. Some people have worse problems than others, and some would say they’re perfectly fine and have no problems. When you really think about it though, everyone says that. Everyone tries to convince themselves that everything is okay and nothing is wrong with them because if there is then you won’t fit in, you’ll be an outsider with problems.. or at least that’s how I feel. Now you’re probably wondering, “well what’s your problem?”..my problem? My problem doesn’t even feel like a problem anymore it just feels like a weight I carry around while I’m walking underwater. Like I’ve been holding my breath for the past 5 years and that I’m slowly starting to realize I’m not gonna be able to hold my breath forever. My problem is that I can’t leave the house without looking in the mirror and thinking how everyone is gonna judge me and what they’re gonna say about me, and if they even like me. My problem is that I do everything based on what people are gonna think of me. I will admit I have become a little better at just saying fuck it and doing what I want, but then I regret it after knowing that people are judging me because of what I did. The fact that I can’t stand not even on the person that I don’t know looking at me without thinking I’m gonna pass out or that I can’t go to the mall without getting nauseous and feeling like I’m gonna throw, all because I’m worried about what people are thinking of me. Now I know what you’re saying or thinking “people are even worried about you or what your wearing, they’re probably not even looking at you”, I’ve heard it a million times. No matter how hard I try to convince myself and teach myself that, it doesn’t matter.. when I get in a situation with people I don’t know and my brain tells me that they hate me. It’s gotten worse too, to the point where I’m starting to think some of my family doesn’t even like me as they judge me for how I am. I’ve started just staying in my room, not really eating, only going downstairs to use the bathroom and take a shower every few days. Covid hasn’t made it any easier knowing that I can’t go anywhere even if I wanted to. I don’t really have the energy or motivation to do anything anymore, and no one really understands. How can a happy, active, and semi-social young lady turn into an unhappy, dormant, and anti-social girl? You know, if I knew I would tell you, but I’m just as confused as you on how it went so bad so quick. I do play soccer and track, but you know… covid. The only way I really cope now is by listening to music, playing video games, and something not good at all and if you’ve struggled with depression I bet you can guess what that is. Some people wonder why people do that, and a lot of people do it for a lot of different reasons, but for me, I do it for a distraction. I give myself different pain to distract myself from my other pain, or to get my mind off of things I don’t want to think about. Everyone always says it gets better…I really hope it does, and fast because I’m not sure how much longer I can hold my breath for. My friends don’t even feel like my friends anymore, they’ve become so controlling and not understanding to where I can barely talk about my feelings without them telling me I’m faking or them talking about themselves. It’s kinda like the only people I have now that understand me are my niece and my biological mom, they’re the only ones that actually care to listen and the only ones that get it. Even after I told you all that, the next time I get asked “are you okay?” I’m still gonna say the same thing as always… “I’m fine”.