Here I am awake again in the early hours – I just can’t seem to sleep lately, even though I take my Venlafaxine each morning after eating. I am up but feel numb, plain and unfocussed. As time has progressed I think the Venlafaxine is making me like this – any opinions? Things have definateley been worse before now (when I was taking Fluoxetine that was a nightmare for me and my wife and kids).
Anyhow, I had my first phone call from work since November today. It was a colleague asking me would I work on something (my manager had suggested she call). He on the other hand has remained out of touch apart from the odd email.
On the Occupational Health front I am waiting for a response from my Union rep before I answer the mail I had from them on Friday last week. They seem to think that if my symptoms are not clear to them and their doctor I must be ok. Ah well…..we all know it works out that they cannot see into our heads (a good job cause in mine I am sometimes sticking pins into small dolls).
I just bought some DVD’s today from Amazon and Play:
Narnia: Prince Caspian; The Spiderwick Chronicles; Kung Fu Panda; Stardust; Curse of the Jade Scorpion.
I need the escapism and fantasy of Caspian, Spiderwick and Stardust. It helps I have not seen any of them.
The Jade Scorpion (Woody Allen stars and directs) is a great Allen film which Helen Hunt stars in. Sometimes Woody can be a little less than great but this is so full of wisecracks and great acting.
The Kung Fu Panda DVD is for the parents and my nearly 5 year old Elliot. I am sure he will love it and it will give me pleasure to hear him laugh.
I also bought a book called ‘The Brutal Art’ from Play (cheaper than Amazon) because it sounded good. If you know ‘Richard and Judy’ then it is on their book club lists apparently.
As I write this there are thoughts running across my mind telling me that I should feel guilty for being awake and also that if I can type this, buy films, and feel even slightly positive then I cannot be depressed, I must be a fraud. I hate that voice it belongs to me…but it affects me really badly at times as I become paranoid and anxious. I can recognise ‘it’ but changing the way it makes me feel is a different matter.
Maybe I should just do what Occupational Health say and ‘stop focussing inwards and focus outwards on the positive instead’.
Ermmmm….no. Instead…why don’t you go read a book, ’cause that is the closest you are going to get to understanding my depression given you have stopped listening to me. I never said that but maybe I should. They are not looking to understand so there is no point telling them how I feel anymore…at least I have tried.
The main thing is change – job, relocation, my illness and understanding of it, my relationships – just life generally really. If I try and make headway I feel like I am a fraud…the voice is always there for that. Bit of a circle really…sometimes I am paralysed and sometimes I am not. Even as I write this I am concerned that you guys will see me as a fraud because I can write this! Oh yes tthe voice is enjoying repeating that one.
Ah well that is enough from me. I have microwaved a cup of tea once, and if this doesn’t prove to be the tranquiliser you need just let me know and I will write some more tomorrow…
Find peace wherever you can, as long as it does not harm you, it must be doing some good. Love from me.