So i have never written a blog but i have no where to turn and none of my friends can truly understand how i feel because they haven't been in this situation. The end of my freshman year in high school a certain older guy had caught my eye. He was one of my friends older brother friend. The summer after my freshman year we started hanging out and ive been hooked ever since. Ive never been so in love with anyone, he makes me the happiest out of everyone in my life, im %100 attracted to him, hes kind, caring, and i have never once gotten tired of being with him. He is my best friend and i can be myself completely when im with him. Its a beautiful passionate relationship in certain ways.Unfortunately i am hopelessly in love. I am now halfway through my Sophomore year in college. In high school id go to parties with him smoke weed, drink, occasionally get a vicodin or two.This seemed like a normal high school relationship to me.Usually, we would both want to stay in and not go to partiesand just lay in bed with each other. I had issues with him smoking weed and cigarettes and would threaten to end things if he didn't stop. Of course he would stop then i would catch him again. Little did i know this was just the beginning of the torturous rollercoaster of lies and manipulation. His mom and dad would get fed up with him coming home smelling like weed or booze and he got kicked out a couple times. I would always be the one to pick him up and i would get so angry at him and ask "why cant you just not do that stuff, how could you, it isn't worth getting kicked out and having no where to live". Going into my junior year he was a lot better, paid much more attention to me, i was just falling even more in love with him. Until he got a message on his Facebook asking if he had slept with some girl. Turns out i messaged that guy and asked about it because i had that GUT feeling(which has never failed me) and he did cheat on me. We were supposed to go to a party together that night he cheated on me,after i ate dinner with friends and i couldn't get in contact with him, we weren't fighting, we were thehappiest we had been in a while and it continued to get even better until i found out he cheated. His excuse was that he got so fucked up he barely remembers anything and hes so sorry. He watched me drop about 15 pounds in the next two months bc i was so depressed the guy whos in love with me could do that to me and look me in the eye everyday and have no remorse…not to mention i usually weigh 108 and im 5'4 so its not like i had anything to loose. He did everything to get me back and was on his best behavior and got a job at Abercrombie. He eventually wouldn't come see me before work and always had to work. Then he told me he didn't have the same feelings for me and wanted to end things, didn't explain anything and shut me out for a week. I couldn't keep myself together and was heartbroken crying all week and laying in my moms bed, and i couldn't even get any closurefrom him because he wouldn't talk to me, my mom begged his mom to tell him to talk to me and she told me im to good for her son and i shouldnt be with him. I didnt understand where this came from and why he couldnt even put me out of my misory and give me an explantion.A week later he came over fucked up on who knows what and told me he has a problem and hasnt been sober around me but maybe 4 times in our entire relationship. I told my mom and she got him to go to rehab and tell his parents. He was in for about 2 months. When he came out it was great he was gung ho stay sober, went to AA, loved me like he should but felt guilty for the $30,000 his parents had to pay for treatment. He decided it would be best for him to join the marines so he can have structure, discipline, pay his parents back, and he had no one to pay for his college now. It seemed to me like there was no where to go but up from that point. He was finally being responsible and wanting to improve his life.He went to bootcamp during the summer before i went off to college. I had him home for two weeks after graduation, and he was the person who i am in love with to this day. My freshman year he slowly would stop texting me and he would never call me and always go to bed at 7pm. I fought with him multiple times in tears on the phone saying you have to put in effort in this relationship, i didnt understand why he was treating me like he was and neglecting my needs, when everything i did was for him, i strived to make great grades, was completely faithful, and didnt party nearly as much as all my single friends because it would put him in a bad mood. In January he came to visit for a week and a half, and he told me he wanted to be normal and try drinking and just having a few. Me being naive said okay and long story short he drank a whole handle of captain Morgan black and i tricked him into thinking he told me the night he was drunk that he hadn't been sober the past couple months because i had a gut feeling. I successfully tricked him and he told me how he was in rehab in the marines and his health was bad, from all his past drug use(vicodin, weed, steriods, alcohol, methadone, meth, never one thing specifically). He left and the communication between us still was colapsing and he would not be in contact with me for a day or two sometimes. Then he broke up with me because he said he couldnt stop drinking and was getting kicked out of the marines and i deserved better. Me being in love with him… i couldnt just sit back and watch him self destruct and kill hiself. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep wondering how much longer he would live. He told me one day he was shitting blood, and i remember sitting at my desk bawling my eyes out and grabbing my stomach bc i could literally feel his pain.One night he told me he was going to kill hiself bc he didnt want to live if i wasnt going to be with him, he drunkenly fell asleep and i was up the entire night and contacted his parents. Then another night i was crying on the phone with him because it was literally killing me on the inside to see him self districting hiself with alcohol, and he told me that it would be better if he died and that if his 12 year old little brother(who worships him) say him in his coffin.I told him if i were to ever get back with him it would be in a year or so if he could get sober and i could see progress. He would tell me im one in a million and he doesnt deserve to be with a person like me, and hed do anything to get me back..he had no reason to live without me.He wrote a letter to someone higher up begging for another chance to stay in and its the only thing that will keep him alive. His wish was granted and he got to stay in. We still texted and called eachother i worked all summer, i wanted to be with him but i needed to see change first. He stayed sober graduated from his job and got stationed in California. He got to come visit me for three days and i fell even deeper in the quick sand of my love for him, but i couldnt help but notice some things were off. When he was in his sober mind promoting any drug or alcohol was bad and he didnt. But in this visit he jokingly said stuff about getting really high, he started talking about painkillers and the different kinds he had liked, and i watched his eyes light up. I was on his phone because i was bored from visiting his familiy and friends all day and noticed he deleted his snapchat history ten days before he left to come see me. Obviously there was something to hide, and he got all nervous asking what was wrong over and over. I had to put my mind at peace and so i messaged a girl he had snapchatted and then it when up in flames from that instant. I found out he cheated on me again with a girl named Kayla, the whole time i was waiting to see change in him after we broke up and when they decided to let him stay in. Well he had a relationship with a girl marine there for 4-6 months, she has an instagram with photos of them all over it with sweet captions about her guy, with stuff he did with me looking going to the pool. Then he kissed another girl while he was there as well. Each time i found out about one of these girls he swore up and down that was all and he wasnt hiding anything else from me, over and over. I had never felt so hurt in my life. Those 3 days he came to visit made me realize how much i do love him and that i do want to try at our relationship again and then i find this out. Of course I was furious…my mind couldnt grasp how he thought it was okay to do this and how he could even sleep at night. I told him not to talk to me and that he didnt love me and i was just mad. I had the right to be mad he completely blindsided me, he would text me all day tell me he loves me, but be with another girl at the same time kissing her..looking into her eyes…doing things we did for basically 5 years with her.. I text him some hateful things because like i said i should be mad i have been nothing but supportive and loving towards him and he does this? He started texting me back slowly and told me "I dont see why that was wrong we werent even dating" when i sent him the picture of them. Im no saint either i made mistakes but i owned up to them and told him because i felt guilty. I slept with a soccer player in Dallas for two nights until he went back to the UK because this was right after he broke up with me and told me to move on…i was obviously not very emotionally stable when i did this. Then when he was at bootcamp on my senior trip in Mexico i made out with a guy there, but again i told this to him even though he couldnt of ever found out about it. So back to the part where he made me angry..he should of been pouring out his remorse but instead he was trying to play the victum. So in a moment of anger i sent him a picture of me and the guy i had slept with kissing eachother, and put "so it doesnt hurt bc we werent even together right??!" I just couldnt even believe he was talking to me like this when i have always been there, and he is the one who contiuously hurts me, he was complaining about how shitty he felt, and i was just like SERIOUSLY?? your not the one who all this shit happened to and after everything youve put me through and how ive been so good to you for so long!!I told him i blocked his number and he text me did you really? and okay. Then he didnt try to contact me and i found out he went toVegas. After all the heartbreak that was happeningthe guy im in love with doesnt seem to care that im hurting.He posted a picture of him smiling doing the caption morgan pose with a blag bag in his hand that obviously had a bottle in it. While i cant even make it to class.. or eat because im so depressed, been crying all week,and he does this? Doesnt evenbother to try and apologize more(after all i thought he would do anything to be with me).He told me he couldnt live without me and hed do anything for another chance, and when i didnt say yes because i was hurt and upset and heartbroken, and thats his only try. I guess ive come to the conclusion that he doesnt love me like i love him. I think that since ive always been there since he was a senior in high school to pick him up when he was kicked out, take him job hunting, let him use my car, emotionally and physically, drive him to work when he had no ride and pick him up,i was by his side through rehab and bootcamp. So i assume he doesnt fully understand that ive just been his security blanket that he didnt want to loose. So now im sitting here with my heart aching. Sadly, if he could %100 guarantee that he would stay sober and treat me like i deserve to be treated id take him back. Marry him and have his babies. In the end that isnt realistic but thats always what ive clung to..the small chance of hope that we could live happily ever after. I am a smart girl i know i deserve to be treated a 1000 times better, i mean i could barely ever get him to call me or send me a picture of hiself if that says anything. I also know i can fall in love again. My friends and family love him but hate him at the same time. They tell me i deserve so much better and he isnt going to change and i need to end things. But i guess since there is two sides to him, the sick one, and the one im in love with. I want to fight for the one im in love with…the one who would tell me he wants to be sober and treat me how i deserve and live a happy life with me, i believe that one. The one that told his family he has a problem and needs to go to rehab. Then when i think about all of this i could forgive him for cheating on me because both times he was deep in his addictions. Then again he still lied to me over and over about it, if he would of told me on his own it would still hurt but not nearly like this. Also i think to the fact that he had another relationship with another girl, basically a double life in my eyes…and he was sober while with her. Thats where this hurts the most and leaves me with no excuse to make for him and myself why it was okay this time, yes we werent dating but i was graciously giving him another chance to prove himself to me and he was interested in someone else. This is definitely one of the worst feelings in the world i can say, and i lay in bed thinking about how i should message his friends and tell them that he has addiction problems and they dont need to take him to Vegas. Then i remind myself he is not my responsibility, he knows the choices he is making and the consequences that will follow, and i do not need to get involved. I know that you must accept things in life that you dont understand, but its so hard. I dont understand why he was given so many chances(tried to commit suicide in high school, died for like 2 minutes from alcohol poisoning, should of died from all the drugs he would take at one time, or driving, or be in jail didnt get kicked out of the marines) if its all to thow away that makes no sense he must have a purpose here on earth besides breaking my heart and his families, and killing hiself slowly but surely. I dont want to accept it…i just cant. I wish that he could just tell me upfront if he is really in love with me or if he is really going to stay sober, or if he wants to end things. I dont understand why he tells me this stuff but his actions say the opposite.All i know of for sure right now is i am hopelessly in love with an alcoholic/drug addict.