I'm new here..

So I found this site and I hope it will serve as more than just a venting place. Though I don't really know how it works yet. But I have to find someone to talk to. So I'll tell you about me or just start to anyway..

I've been depressed all my life. I remember having panic attacks all the way back to when I was 7. When I was 15 my parents put me in the hospital because I tried to kill myself. and the doctors said I was bipolar and started medicating me. I quit school and I never went back. I left home and moved in with a "family" and was there "nanny". but that all turned bad when i was introduced to crack.. It was like a gift to help me forget all the bad..but it just made it worse.. i found a man who was 16 years my senior and flung myself into an abusive relationship that nearly ended my life. and ended up back at home with my parents. it didn't take long for me to leave with the same family again this time i wasn't smoking crack i was just drinking everyday. i was 17 and all i really wanted was my family to come and take me home.. but because i was so self distructive they never came. i don't think they knew how badly i wanted them to help me.. and every 6 months or so since i was 17 i have ended up back here at there house.. its always one travesty after another with me. but about a year and a half ago i came home.. strung out on heroin and they took me back once again. they even paid me to stay here and take care of my youngest sister. 4 months after i came home and had been semi clean. i lost the only person i every thought understood me. she was my best friend, my lover, my secret keeper. she was everything to me.. in my eyes she was all i had.. and her physical death is still tearing my life apart. when she died i lost my mind. i stopped talking to everyone. i couldn't even take care of myself let alone my sister.. i ended up running away to florida and being homeless under a bridge literally. but i made it back to michigan in the end of last august. and i found a wonderful man who cant understand me at all but he loves me with all his heart. but i have for the last 10 months done nothing but rain terror on his life.. i don't mean to hurt him or anyone but i do.. we lost our apartment in january and since then ive been living at my parents again.. but I'm so depressed i cant move off the sofa 8 out of 10 days. all i think about is how i hurt people or how im going to lose them.. i don't leave the house unless i go to the doctors…I don't shop.. i don't party.. i don't do anything.. i can't even get in a car anymore with out a panic attack.. my mom is the only person i have left to talk to about all of this in the world and I'm killing her. last week she handed me a knife and told me she just couldn't take it anymore.. and i at that moment couldn't understand.. but im hurting everyone around me.. i want help.. I see a therapist and i take medication but thats no substitute for feeling like you the only person in the world that feels this way. no one around me has the problems that i do. and i can not explain how my brain works to anyone. i can't explain why one minute I'm laughing and the next screaming.. i can't explain why screaming mad can turn in to crying I'm sorry in 5 minutes.. everyone i know thinks mental illness is a cop out. but i can't control myself no matter how hard i try. and there is no explaining to people who refuse to try and understand. i know that i am not the only person in the world with these problems and i know that no one will every have the exact same problem as me but theres got to be someone out there right?

3 Comments
  1. Profile photo of littlemisshomicide
    littlemisshomicide 6 years ago

    I wish for you to get your life together. People will not have the exact same problems but we are as in D-Tribe going through something similar.

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  2. Profile photo of aloneallthetime
    aloneallthetime 6 years ago

     thanks Homicide =]

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  3. Profile photo of TessErin
    TessErin 6 years ago

    People will understand different parts of your life: the addiction, the homelessness, the bf, losing a good friend. I personally understand addiction. I used to be a cutter. No it's not the same addiction as you've struggled with but it's addiction none the less. It was all that made me feel good. It brought me comfort. It was something I had control over.
    Anyway, welcome to DT and I hope you find some support and understanding.

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I'm new here.

My attitude towards my HIV is really no problem. It never really was.

I went to thehospital to get a rash checked out and they took some blood to test.I was told they would get back tome in a couple of weeks or so. When I got a call from themjustafew days later, I really didn't need to go in tofind out what they were going to tell me.I had some good suspicions that I would bepositive.

The staff was more concerned with my reaction than I was. I work nights and had to go in for my results in the AM. The only thing that I was honestly concerned about was getting back home to my bed and back to sleep.

There was a bit of anxiety, but honestly, not a whole lot.

I have been in and out of depression about all my life and dealing with that and all the attending problems that it causes me bothers me far more than the HIV does.

The diagnosis arrested some insane behavior on my part and for that, in some crazy way I am grateful for having the virus. Though, if I were younger than I am now I might feel differently. I am kind of happy to get rid of my sex life. It was an obsession rather than a passion.

At this point in my life I am a lot more concerned with learning about doing adult things like having to pay my rent and other bills on time…and also, little things like changing the oil in my car on a regular basis so I don't have to keep buying new ones !

I don't give a Flying F…. about my HIV right now, I want to get it through my thick 55 year old adolescent head that when I depend on my car for my living, I need to change the frigging oil from time to time.!

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