Today I got up eventually and did what needed doing. I sort of heard from a friend today, kind of but not really. I think that the truth is that people pretend to care about others but they really dont. Deep down I think that people really just fend for themselves when push comes to shove. I dont fit in here. I dont fit in on earth. I dont think that way at all. I wish I could to be honest. I know my old therapist wished that I could be a bit selfish sometimes. I have to focus and work at thinking in terms of whats best for me or what I want or need. My natural state is to think of people I love first.
All Ive ever wanted is to learn how to fit in. To find some one or somewhere that I fit in as myself. That is never going to happen though. I have had many jobs, many different schools, towns, jobs, etc… People like me as long as I dont expect them to like all of me or consider my thoughts, feelings, needs.
I am very good at many things. Most of those things involve making people around me happy and at ease, or offering solutions that others cant see. I have always loved this about me. I've always held out hope that someone would care about me even when they find out that there is a sad, broken, unhappy side to me. I think that it is time that I give that dream up. I have been on earth for 31 years now and never gotten close to finding someone like that. Each time I think I get close something happens.
The good thing is that everyone I care about has distanced themselves so far from me at the moment that I cant even get ahold of them if I wanted to. Why is this good? Because I can stop searching for someone who will care for me as me and it wont hurt a single soul. Nobody really wants to be close to me if I am going to be myself anyway. Silver lining…….another talent I have. Finding a silver lining in nearly every situation.