I don’t understand I write often about past things, or people who I have in my life. I miss alot of things.. Who I use to be before I lied to myself about being hurt, sad or angry. Somehow my thoughts mostly travel back to you. Back to you.. all the time. You have come into my life and when I think back I was in love with you. You were charming funny and would have made it if I didn’t get hurt the way I did. I was vulnerable with you because you were my first. My first relationship that I had my hopes so high up for. I was afraid and most of all crushed thinking that our relationship could come to an end so fast, so easy, because of how insecure I was. I wish I had listened to you instead of hurting you back. I wish I had closed my mouth and opened my ears. but that was so long ago I can’t change the past.
I can only tell you how I see now. Yo.. We met up the other day and I wish I wouldnt have drank so much because I was pretty nervous. I got butterflies all over thinking about how this was my chance to show you who I am now. So after a few beers, and a few cigarettes.. I thought I just wanna kiss him once.. I did.. when I did you hand went under my shirt. I cant believe how much I liked it and how much I wanted it too. only because I was coming from you. Then when we were in that space so close to one another.. It felt as if everything disappeared. I don’t know if you felt it but I felt it. Maybe it was only from my end. I predicted that was what was going to happen and that if it did i wouldn’t have feelings after…
What sucks the most is I did. The connection was there.. Did you feel it?
I never hated your personality, or your sense of humor, your love language, anything about you. You made me happy until you let someone become open to you. I know I shouldn’t have been stubborn I was just so hurt. I didn’t want someone to know you the way i did.. jokes on me though.. Everyone else gets to know you while I don’t..
I keep think about contacting you and pouring my guts out to you.. telling you the truth.. telling you how I have felt about you after all this time.. but why do I feel like it would be meaningless… I’ve hurt you and its clear you still feel it.. and I’m sorry. But please I hope we could give it another chance..