i truly hope everyone is doing as well as possible, at this particular point in your lives!  Happy New Year to you all!!!  —much love for you

Now, for the tougher part–updating–*sigh  A few weeks ago, the psych changed the celexa i was taking to cymbalta, and i continued with the wellbutrin.  Well, since i’ve begun the new medication, i’ve had a couple more cutting episodes, as well as some truly suicidal thoughts, with plans.  So, after another tiff with my partner/boyfriend, Sunday evening, and cutting again, the thoughts were really BAD again.  He even made me stay in the room with him, so he could ‘keep an eye on me’–which, in retrospect, didn’t really make much difference, since he fell asleep shortly after i went in the room.  Needless to say, i didn’t do any further reacting that night.  i still couldn’t/haven’t been able to sleep through the night–it’s been a couple months, now, i think.  So, i lay there debating, for a couple hours…..  Anyway, when i got up yesterday morning, the darkness was still lingering….  i had to just get out of bed and start my day.  Once my bf went out to go to a meeting and the YMCA, i debated a few minutes longer, about calling someone…. i wound up calling the office i am currently using for all my medical/mental/etc. appointments, and spoke with the lady who did my initial assessment and plan for my mental health care.  She wouldn’t get off the phone with me, until she felt pretty sure i was safe and not going to do anything to hurt myself further; and also made sure to let me know she was going to investigate the reaction i’d apparently been experiencing since beginning the new med.  She called me back, after speaking with the psych, and changed my appt from Thursday to tomorrow, first thing, and to stop taking the cymbalta.  i also had to agree that should i become suicidal–anything further than i’d been experiencing, or if i was alone, and felt as bad, to either call the mobile crisis unit or go to er.  i also had to explain my “plan” for staying safe, as well as verifying i would not be alone for very long, before my appointment.  —i’ve had suicidal thoughts before, but i don’t remember planning or having ones like i’ve had lately.  The main “thought” i’ve had, consists of me jumping in front of a moving vehicle–several times, now, the vehicle i’d planned was a bus.  i dunno why or what it is that triggered this particular idea, but for whatever reason–medical or otherwise–it’s been way tooooo real!

i have been continuing to work on other activities, trying to keep busy, such as:  feeding the squirrels and birds; going for a short walk whenever i get triggered; working in my workbooks to try and not just learn but work on some of my issues, so i can make better/healthier choices; ,my bf has suggested i try and attend more meetings–whether they be AA or Al Anon or Nar Anon, since they’re all 12-step-based and carry similar messages; go and work on an occasional load of laundry and while i’m there, do some helpful reading and maybe some socializing, if anyone stops in; and this morning, i’ve started with posting some positive affirmation-quotes, in several places around the apartment, to try and cut out some of the negativity that has become such a huge part of my being.  i’m a work in progress–and shall remain so, til i take my final breath.  But, i just refuse to live in this life of insanity, expecting changes, when i’m not doing anything to change for myself.  –i hope that makes sense.

Time stands still for no man (or woman).  We have to make our own choices and changes in our own lives.  No one else can do the work for us.

Thanks for reading my post.

Love yourselves.  Remember that YOU MATTER!  ***Hugs***

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