I’m really need to come here more often to let out some of my feelings. I hate that I wait until I’m ready to explode.

• So I’m here to vent about what I am getting sick of in my life. I’m sick of everyone around me wanting something from me and me not getting anything I  return. I’ve been in the human services field/caregiving for 15 years and honestly have been doing it all my life because my parents forced me to help take care of my siblings, family and whatever strangers came to live with us. They always had people living with is and I hated it. I won’t get into that right now though… I have always been the type of person that was needy for attention and people approval. I’ve had issues with not feeling loved and not belonging anywhere. Something that affects me to this day only now it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. People can quite frankly sick off if they don’t accept me for who I am. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. Then on the other hand I do need to be around people. I guess it’s part of being human. We aren’t meant to be isolated from people for too long. So I’ve tried to fill those voids with relationships that are crappy and one sided. Then I end up miserable and needed get out because I’m unhappy and disatified. As far as friends go I don’t have many people I can call true friends because they only call upon me because they need something. So I have maybe one friend who knows me and accepts me for who and what I am. I also limit too..uch contact with him though because he has stuff he has to deal with and I don’t like to bombard him with all my problems. We do keep in contact and are able to vent with eachnother which is always awesome. We both feel better afterwards. So back to my relationships. I can’t be in a romantic relationship to save my life. I don’t think people realize, when I tell them all the things that come with being with me, that it actually is or maybe even worse than i described to them. I am completley honest and still they end up kind of like… yikes. Don’t get me wrong… I do try and put in effort to make it work but then my life as a single mom with mental illness, with 2 special needs kids kind of comes and pops that bubble of the living caring girlfriend. I also take care of a relative who is elderly and very sick which adds to the already chaotic life I have. I wish my significant other would try to understand that when I am with him that I want to try and be a couple that doesn’t have to deal with all that other shit. Make time for it to be about us and kind of escape all the other stuff even if it is for a while. Of course that’s to much to ask though. I have been with my bf for almost 3 years and we don’t even have intimate relations anymore. I was already in a long marriage like that. Why would I want to do that again. Oh I also forgotto mention that I’ve been terribly I’ll the last 5 years and had to have 2 surgeries to fix some of the issues inwas having. One of those surgeries has caused me to go into early menopause. That has been horrible as well. So add that to the already big pile of shit. Am I an asshole to want to have some sort of real relationship. My nd has issues of his own but won’t seek the help he needs to get better which pissed me off. I have recently started therapy again because o am just a mess. I want to kick everyone out of my house so me and my youngest could live in peace. I am just so tired. Oh and to too it all off an old boyfriend who broke my heart 6 years ago has been reaching out to me. He’s don’t that over the years and I’ve manages to keep him out of my life and hadn’t seen him in years. I’ve been talking to him a bit and almost fell for his bullshit. Luckily I was strong but still. The fact that he feels and kind of knows he can pop on and out of my life makes me mad at myself for allowing that. I just want a normal relationship with someone who cares and understands me. Let’s me freak out for a bit but knows I’ll be back when I’ve finished freaking out. I am just sick of feeling like I’m going in circles. I also had to quit my job recently because I couldn’t handle the stress. My car is taking a shit and I’m just not feeling well because of new meds I’m on. I’m just feeling like the only option for me is to accept that fact that I just can’t be in a relationship right now because I have too much going on and lots of stuff to deal with personally and mentally. I’m just so tired of all the bullshit…. I know this all may not make slot of sense but I needed to get it out