I was wrong.
God does exist.
He hates me though. He has to hate me.
I have defied him, I have taken his name in vein, I have denied his son, I have rebelled against his word.
Jesus is real.
I still cannot come to terms with all of this.
The other day at work I opened the bible. I came to Pslams 143 and it shook me through to my core. I believe God needed me to read that pslam, needed me to see that, needed me to know he doesn’t expect me to be perfect. I am so not perfect. I am still denying him yet I crave him. I believe in him yet I’m fighting the evidence and convincing myself not to fall victim to the lies of God when really I’m falling victim to the lies of my own selfishness, my own desire for the darkness. I’m so used to the darkness, it’s coldness and bitterness has become my comfort, my home. The light frightens me because I do not know how to feel anything other than pain, anything other than hatred but I don’t want to feel like that anymore. For the first time in a year I think God is real. I don’t believe but I think.
There is just a flicker, but that flicker is enough to wipe out the darkness, to banish my demons, to put me on the right path. It is just a flicker of light, a flicker of hope but it is enough. It has to be enough. This small, yet beautiful thing Christians call “faith” has to be enough but am I worthy of such a beautiful thing? Or the better question is am I worthy of God? Should I ignite or smother this small flicker of a flame forming within me. Every part of me is screaming smother it, but that is my mind talking. My heart is whispering “ignite”