Here we go again…

It has been one of those nights again. Iwas up all last night, like most nights I have to say. I can't sleep in the night.It seems to always go the same way, it'sthe same pattern, "ritual" no matter what I do: I go in my bed, I lie there for a little while, I feel my body is tired which is pretty natural, but then my obsessive, intrusive thoughts about "being unclean" starts kicking in. It's like my body is tired, but my mind never sleeps. I start scratching my skin and soon there are blood spots to be foundon my clothes, my sheets (which I naturally have to put all in the laundry basket now). And the next thing I know I am standing in the bathtub naked, freezing, tired holding the hand held shower tight in my hands feeling like a zombie being in a sort of half-awake mood, hesitating to start the water – knowing, I'm not going to get out of there alive another night, yet again. I go back to my bed totally exhausted from anxiety, feeling drained ofall energy after spending hours of showering and just standing in the bathroom. Forced and nailed to the ground by my own thoughts telling me I am not "clean enough" to leave the bathroom yet. I can just feel how all of my body is protesting, shaking, moving with slow steps towards my room after washing myself repeatedly (gosh, my skin is so dry it's hurting!) , scared to faint on the way out.. And when I am FINALLY back in my own bed, feeling almost safe and calmagain, somehow relieved, there is only one thought that crosses my mind: "You gave in again, you will never be free. Prepare yourself for the next night."

So yeah, I guess you can say it has been a rough night… What I wouldn't do to have just ONEnight of peace!

3 Comments
  1. Ablee 6 years ago

    Are you currently receiving treatment for your ocd?  Also you mentioned scratching iI know i have read about picking and such and is that part of the your ocd?  When my ocd started a few years ago I knew I had to get help and I recognized that I had ocd because my friend had told me about her friend's daughter who had problem pulling out hair and she recommended a book to me for ocd, though mine is contamination ocd which is mostly hand washing, avoiding and wiping but i don't do that as much anymore because i did exposure therapy which really has helped and I know that when I have the urge to wash my hands I put it off and do something else, sometimes i give in but its nowhere near how bad it was a few years ago.

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  2. daadyr 6 years ago

    Hey Abbey. Thanks for commenting. Well, I have to say yes, it's the scratching and picking part I am suffering from. I have had treatment before. I tried pretty much everything: group theraphy, seeing a psychatrist, medicine, seeing psychologists, cognitive theraphy.. It helped on some levels, like with washing hands, avoiding and stuff, but the scratching thing is still there. When I am bored, not occupied or really have to concentrate on something (like a movie or assignment) for too long, it triggers. 

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  3. Ablee 6 years ago

    When we were going through a stressful time my son did some picking and that scared me because he had never done that before.  He stopped doing it though luckily.  I am sorry you are going through this I don't know how that is treated would doing something else to occupy yourself instead of picking or scratching like perhaps what comes to mind is crocheting or something where you don't hurt yourself like drawing?   Even writing in a journal perhaps. I wake at night too and its hard to go back to sleep cause i kind of replay things that are bothering me, which probably caused my ocd in the first place.  I know in the book i read a while back is try to eat right, exercise and get good rest that helps.  I try to walk alot or do some activities so i can sleep better.  we have dogs so i try to take them for long walks so we all can tire out (they are  chihuahuas and are pretty restless high strung), 

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