I looked back and realized the last blog I managed to complete and post was on February 2nd. I wish I could say the span of time was due to finding it within me to 'keep moving.' In reality the absence has simply been due to being lost in my own thoughts in yet another desperate attempt to keep my family's hearts intact.
Days continue to blue together and the suppressed feelings are consistent: irritation when my mother drinks (with varying degrees of success), an intense desire to let my walls down, cry free of mental restraints and to physically have someone there that can be the clichéd "shoulder to cry on." I hold out a small sliver of hope that if I had such a person I could bear the daggers life throws at me.
My dad's 59th birthday is Thursday. I find myself viewing the past 6 birthdays and years in general in a different light. My paternal grandpa passed away at 52. My dad–the oldest–was 29 and my dad's brother and sister–the youngest–were 15 and my grandma had celebrated her 30th anniversary 5 months before he passed. I can't imagine being in any of their shoes…what was it like for my dad being the oldest–and frankly the most physically similar to my grandpa? What was it like for my uncle as the second born and the only one with a young child? What was it like for my aunt–the first girl–who was 2 months shy of being 21? And my grandpa's babies…I still am in awe of the strength I have always seen them display.
My grandma has been a shining example of strength for so many people and for so many different reasons. My dad once asked me to name the strongest person I knew. I said his mother and he said she too was his answer when the question was asked. She is turning 80 in October…what do you do to show a lady like her how valued, loved and cherished she is by so many? I need to start planting the seeds needed to make October 14th 2015–or that weekend–incredible and the bigger the better if you ask me. But I have to get help and my dad's youngest sister is a good person to ask for help.
I need to shift my focus to academics…for a while my thoughts were centered on something beautiful and precious to me, family. I hope I can get some things done after having vented a bit.
I hope everyone is hanging on XxxxxxxxX