Thanks to the welcome committee for making me feel good to have joined here.

So different. I have not totally figured out how to navigate the system yet, so forgive me of that.

In the process because I had me more repetetive questioning with the beau that resulted in major frustration on my part. It has been a little more intense lately because I have not been keeping my questions in to fester. Now that I have tested it out, I feel I can overturn, for the most part, much of the questioning. I end up feeling lame, anyways, and if I don't ask, and if I don't think about it, usually, I end up getting my answer anyway. So there is no need to question so much.

I told my boyfriend how much I appreciate him, then felt really vulnerable because he didn't really react much. That freaked me out, and when I asked about it, he said something about me tending to trip on things more than he does. "Why do you do that? You know I like you," he said. Oooooh, that sent me off. For once, I was angry rather than humiliated. Well, both maybe. Telling me not to freak out is a button pusher.

Eventually, I told him again that I hated being like this and apologized. He told me that he was trying to understand me so he wouldn't be a dick, and that me apologizing for these habits was like him apologizing for having legs that don't work like they used to. Shit happens and you have to move on with it.

I love this guy. He is a friend I am supposed to have right now. Because he is helping me get to a place where I feel I can forget my worries. I can let go. I have asked so many questions that I feel quite secure and actually feel like replacing my fears with white space. Just saying F*** it. I have other things I can do.

I also felt, finally, how I have been directing my energy at him and draining myself. It's like there's a hole in my energy body and I was letting it all flow out to him. I want to keep it in me! I can do so much if I do! In fact, i am starting to feel that I am my own best friend through all of this. I know me best, and I need to hang on to my energy. And if something makes me feel ashamed or scared, i can choose not to think of it for now because, I am finding, the answer comes of itself, and I can handle anything.

We can do this, folks. We can truly get out of this. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a common cold of the mind, a high anxiety tolerance. Tho I am finding that in the healing process, I feel really good, and a step backwards feels devastating. And that is why I named this blog "in the process." Because it's all part of the process. Not a permanent return to … whatever.

Check this out. I broke a major OCD cycle a few weeks ago, and it really charged me up. I have had an I Ching addiction (Chinese oracle) for the past few relationshihps. Totally helped to destroy them because I would take my emotional cues from it, and get really afraid of what was coming up. I turned the relationships into life or death kinds of situations. Nothing is THAT important when you're single.

One day at work, it hit me. I was going to go home and ask some questions about this current boyfriend. I knew it would throw me into a spin and make me distrust him and freak me out, but it's ocd, right?

Then I really understood that this time, I could choose to do things differently. I could choose to do things like a "normal" woman. I could do it. This was my opportunity to change. I went home, and the fight to not check with the I CHING was hell. I felt like some heroine addict holding a syringe and trying not to shoot up. I laid on the floor with the cat, all my energy heading to the drawer in my bedroom where I keep the book. SHould I? Should I not? AUGHHHHH! And then, I had an appointment and had to go.

I won!

I won, and it felt divine! I haven't checked with the oracle since. If I could do that, I have the strength to change my point of view.

It's scary and hard, and there are lots of fears that pop up that may or may not have a kernal of truth. But I am finding that ignoring them helps. I replace it with white space in my mind, it seems. I can always think about it at another time, especially if problems arise. The OCD is on the verge of my consciousness, but I have a feeling that I will get stronger at overturning the thoughts if I just persevere. I am able to handle anything that comes  my way, and I will be in my right mind if any problems arise. I am working towars this. I'm scared, but screw it.

So maybe this is one of my new rules for healing myself: Each OCD spin is yet another opportunity to do things different this time. It's not a bad thing. It's just another chance. And it may be a fight, but eventually, you have to change your mind completely for a while, commit to letting go and completely heading off the negative thoughts (think procrastination…how do you put off all the things you have to do but don't want to? You just don't think of them. Same state of mind) , and then celebrate when you realize that you did it. I'm going to keep trtying this because it makes it easier for me, and I feel really empowered.


1 Comment
  1. bluebuddha 15 years ago

    -That last paragraph is really important…thanks for pointing that out! Be well.


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