It's coming up on the one year anniversary of my divorce being final. I have moved to a new town with my children, and started a new life. I've met a wonderful man, an artist, who is so amazing and so incredibly different than anyone I've ever been with. I've gone through hell with my OCD and questioning if my divorce was right or wrong. It started shortly after we seperated. Once I suggested trying to get back together before the divorce was final, suggested we try counseling and then changed my mind and wanted to continue with the divorce.  When we were going through it, I just wanted it done. I was done with this man.  Now I'm on my own and for the most part, my life has been wonderful. I worry about my two children and how it will effect them growing up without not seeing their Dad everyday. Not in an intact family unit. I know so many people do this, divorce. My parents split when I was 12 and it was a good thing. In my case I was so bored and disgusted by my husband. He was so dull, like a lump on the cuch all the time. I had no passion or interest for him. I didn't want him to touch me. I only wanted him around for the kids. I feel they deserve that. But I was so out of the marriage, for so long that I needed to leave. I almost feel like they would be better off with him because he doesn't doubt himself like I do. I always question if I'm going to do a good job, am I going to make their lives good even though their parents are divorced?  I am trying so hard. I want so much for them, even though this has happened. I don't think it's the end of the world. I don't believe divorce is wrong. I don't believe in the religious aspect of divorce.I think that you have a bond with a person regardless of the legal bonds of marriage. It's just there or it's not.

I think because of my OCD, I feel guilty for wanting to leave, for wanting something different than I had. At times I wonder, what did I think I was going to get by divorcing too? My freedom? But what do I do now?  Maybe I'm just incredibly stupid and should have stayed where I was. He was a good man, good enough.  Safe, strong and capable. A good father, good husband. Nice. Sometimes I think why did I want to leave? It really wasn't that bad at all. But I WANTED to go. I wanted to see what it was like. Now I have and I think I may on some level, for some reason I'm not sure of, regret it. I tell myself all the time, ok, it was a mistake, go on. But I can't seem to. I tell myself, ok, it was a mistake, see if he wants to get back together, but I don't call or write him.

I love the man I am with now, but always feel unsettled and anxious, no matter what. I take this to mean that I'm doing something "wrong" somehow. I WILL NEVER FEEL SAFE AND RIGHT AGAIN without being  back in what was my life, nothing seems to give me comfort. But I don't know if it's the actual situation or me giving into my OCD to make the anxiety go away.  It's this disctuctive loop that I have to give into in my head, but don't really feel in my heart. To say, "No, what I did was right and I love my new life!", just doesn't "feel" right. I walk around constantly with this feeling. Nothing makes it go away except giving in. 

Nice way to live, huh?

0 Comments

Leave a reply

© 2024 WebTribes Inc. | find your tribe

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account