I just finished this really good book that I couldn't get into the last time I tried to read it. Well, it's called Kissing Doorknobs and is about a girl who has OCD. Go figure, me wanting to read a book like that. lol Anyway, it got me thinking about stuff, so here goes.

Contrary to what people may think, I, and others with OCD, are not crazy! We may feel like we are, and our rituals may make us look like we are, but we aren't. OCD is a neurological disorder. Yeah, that means it's something actually wrong with how our brains work.

If you are one of those people who claims to have OCD because you have to have something a certain way, chances are you don't have it unless it causes significant distress and interferes with your everyday life. Come to me when you have to drive around the block to make sure you didn't hit some kid and, even though you know you didn't, you watch on the news to hear of any hit and runs. And come to me when you don't want to let go of your mom, or someone you love, because you can't help but think that the plane you are about to get on will crash, or that she will die in a car accident on the way home and you will never see her again. Oh, and come to me when you can't stop washing your hands even though they are so raw from all the washing that you can't move then without them cracking open and bleeding.

I'm not trying to be snobby towards people who claim to have OCD, but it does bother me when I tell someone I have it, and they respond by saying they have it because they do such and such. If you genuinely have it, then I will find out just by talking with you about it, and if you think you have it but haven't been diagnosed, then go see someone.

No, not everyone has extreme OCD, but chances are that they have, or will have some sort of extreme case at some point in their lives. Most people with mild cases have gotten some sort of treatment, which is why their case might be milder. Oh, and let me tell you, treatment is not easy. That's one thing people with OCD are. We are strong. You have to be in order to endure the kind of torment that we go through on a daly basis, most of which isn't even visible because it's within our own minds.

And for those of you who say stuff like "Why can't you just stop?" or "Get over it!" or "You're just using it as an excuse not do do ___.", well screw you! Go get online or go to the library and read about it. Get informed. Then maybe, just maybe you will realize that it's not something we can just turn off or something that we enjoy.

Do you honestly think we enjoy not being able to live our lives like we want to? Do you think we enjoy putting the ones we love through hell and having them suffer right along with us? Do you think we enjoy looking crazy in public or losing friends and spouses we love because of it? Of course not! Anyone that thinks that is in fact crazy.

I can't begin to tell you how hard it has been for me knowing that a great portion of my life has been lost to this, or that because of me, my family has missed out on things such as vacations. It's incredibly difficult just dealing with the thoughts and rituals, but knowing that it affects my family and friends, and sometimes causes me to lose people I love with every fiber of my being makes it so much worse. Tell me, do you know how it feels to be 13, have your dad threaten to go lay out in the middle of the street hoping for a bus to hit him because you can't get over your fear of contamination and can't go to school, and he just can't deal with it anymore? That's the kind of things I have put myself and my family through. Would you want to deal with that?

I hate myself because of it sometimes. I hate that one of my biggest problems is the terrifying fear of losing people I love, and while trying to keep them around, I in turn drive them away. This usually leads to a bout of depression and a worsening of symptoms. 'Tis a vicious cycle. To those few friends that have stuck by me through so much and try to understand, mainly Chris, Heather, Haynes, Giz and Chelle, thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me to still have y'all.

I suppose that's it for now. I may end up posting more blogs giving even more insights into the mind of someone with OCD. If I can educate someone else about it, and help them understand, then there is some reason for me to be here.