Me and Brittini had a long talk today.  She told me when she signed on that she could only stay for a little while.  I told her that was fine, but I needed to talk to her.  She asked me what it was about and I told her "Don't worry about it right now.  This is something we need to talk about when we have more time."

So she stayed to talk.  I didn't want her to, honestly.  It bothered me that she was interrupting her schedule to talk to me about my problems.  I told her that I had been thinking heavily about suicide, though I had no idea why.  She didn't believe that nothing was wrong.  The problem is that nothing is wrong.  I don't know what's wrong.  I just get the urge to want to hurt myself for no reason.  I really don't know why.

She cried.  She cried and would not stop.  She asked me, "Am I not good enough?  Is the fact that I want to marry you and have your children not a good enough reason for you to stay alive?"

I couldn't convince her that it had nothing to do with her.  She's so wonderful to me.  I just wish that she could understand that I just get like this for no reason.  The only reason I'm still alive is because I know it would destroy her.  I don't want to put her through that.  I love her so much.  She's the reason I'm holding on.  One thing that she told me today was "I'm trying to give you a future to look forward to.  You have to stay so that you can help me raise Mina and Ian, and so that I can take care of you when you get like this.  Then we can get old together and feed our grandkids affinities of chocolate and sugar and send them home to their parents all hyped up at bed time."

God, that sounds wonderful. 

So, I'm getting help.  I looked up a help program that works with the company I work for and, from what I understand, they get things done.  At least, that's what I'm hoping for. 

She's still with me.  She's sticking by me.  Everything's just fine.  I just need to mellow out and, for one thing, stop drinking.  But it'll all work out.  We're still getting married.  We're still starting a family.  We're still stuck on each other.

Thank God.

 

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