Holiday visit to my parents' home went great. I was suprised, i really did think something bad was going to happen. I had some "freak" outs but not a full on panic attack. In the past, I always had a hard time with overnight visits. The thought of having to use a bathroom that is not mine's bothers me (because my fear of germs/contamination). So i tend not to accept invites to holidays or special events. But my parents have really made an effort to reach out to me in the past months. So after days of fighting off my fears, i accepted and I'm glad i did. There were times when my OCD fears almost spiraled out of control. One major incident was the Christmas dinner. I dislike people handling my food (including family members) so i always prepare my own food. Christmas eve night, I took a moment and planned outChristmas day. I do this all the time because i fear suprises and i really didn't want a panic attack to ruin the day. My plan for the Christmas dinner was to help prepare the food so i know for sure that "no contaminates" got on my food. Around noon, my dad asked me to go for a ride with himto check on the road conditions. Not wanting to be rude, and also to spend time with him, i went. Out in the truck, I forgot about my plans until my dad told me he knew i didn't like cooking and being around crowds so he wanted to rescue me from it. Very thoughtful but he didn't know my fears of food contamination. My anxiety risedandmymind startedon the horrible picturesof germs and how it can get onto my food. So werode in silence with melooking out the window with tears in my eyes because i'm letting my OCDmindtorture me.I'm sittingthere letting my OCD poison my mind with fears andall i really wantedwas to take this timeand talk with my dad. We finally pull into a gas station and my dad turns off the truck and he tells mehe is really gladthati camehomeforChristmas.Tryingto hold myself together, itell him i'm glad as well.As he pumps thegas, i try my best to make my mind stop with the horrible images.Mycellphone rings and its one of my sisters. I cut her off from what she was going to say and tell her that i'm freaking out. We talk first about my fears then she interupts me to tell me about my neices then she tells me to continue so i do. She interupts me again with a request from my brother to get some more sodas. And i continue on with my fears.Another interuption and back to me. Than another interpution, this time i laugh because i just realize my "at the moment food fears" is not that big of a deal as i'm making it out to be.I got my neices hiding presents, my brother's sodas, my mom's displeasure of me and dad sneaking off without telling anyone, and my sisters debating their song tastes. Now my worries stop and all i want to do is go home and join in with the chaos of home. My dad comes back in and i tease him for taking forever to get gas. He tells me theres only one person running the store and a long line due to the fact that the guy does not know what he is doing. I laugh and tell him he needs to go back in and get more sodas. Back home during Christmas dinner, I debated whether or not to skip eating (as i usually do when i'm not the one to prepare my food). I'm sitting there as everyone eats. my mind is starting on the horrible images again and i know whats going to come next, a panic attack. Then my brothers starts talking about his college math finals. Soon multiple conversations are going on and i get ask several questions, i answer and go back in my mind withmy fears. I keep thinking, I'm letting this happen again. My hate myself. I hear my name being called and i look up. My sister looks at me and says "Let it go". I give her a nod. and continue on, trapped in my mind with my OCD. I hear laughters and then someone cries. I look up, its one of my neices. I continue on in my head. Horrible thoughts about bacteria, blood, etc continue as im thinking about how i'm letting my OCD take this Christmas dinner moment away from me.Iask myself "whatif i do by some freak of a chance Iget infected by some bacteria, germ, or contaminate? thenwhat?" Theres nothing i can do about it but deal with it when it happens. What matters most is whats happening at that table. Because that is the rarity. My family together and happy. I let go of my mind trapand start a conversation with my mom. Without realizing it, i ate. That was my Christmas wish: peace, even for a moment.


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