I've had a really bad week.. Well last few weeks really, and things are definatly not getting better. I've started having alot of thoughts of SH and suicide… and its just getting worse and worse. I've not been sleeping welIl at all, and after the debarkle of the shrink cancelling my appt without telling me, its left me with nothing to help me sleep.. just great.

I went to see the psycologist for the first time the other day  (wednesday). I was incredibly nervous. She was really nice though. She didn't push me or anything. We just sort of chatted which was nice. I did however tell her about the decrease in my mood, and how i'm having alot of thoughts of SI, suicide and even acting on those SI thoughts.. I've especially had alot of thoughts of breaking my arm. I'm unsure why… anyway, she was concerned, and has decided that for the time being, she would like to see me at least once a week. That scares me. She was going to try and talk to the Dr about getting my meds increased, and seeing about getting some more valium to help me sleep. She was unsure as to how that would go however.  She really wants me to go to my gp and get something to atleast get some valium or something to help me sleep. I'm too scared to go however. So i'm just stuck.

She really wants me to make sure that if i did harm myself, that I would call for help. I told her that I'm too scared to call lifeline/helplines, as they call the police, and I hate the police and are scared of them really. She really wants me to call someone though. I don't know what i'll do.

I told her about DT, and how I like to blog. She thought it was a good idea. I guess i'm doing something right there. She said that I was actually quite knowlegable about depression, and have quite a bit of insight as to what is going on with my thoughts. I don't know about that. I guess in a way i know what i'm supposed to do, but actually doing that in practice is a different thing completely. I would like to do a course in psycology maybe at one point. I'd love to be a adolescent/child councellor. I think that would be very rewarding. But I know, at the moment, that is simply something I can't do. Until I can get myself into a better place, i'm not going to be any help to anyone.

On a completly different note, I'm going to try going vegitarian for a week. I brought a cookbook today, but i'd love to get some more recepies, so if anyone reading this is/was vegitarian and has some recepies, or knows where some great ones are, please let me know.