Ok – so here is my plan for my new blog. I am going to write this a lot about things that I am working on in therapy. There are things that she often gives me to "think about" at the end of a session – and before I got scared to write – I used to write to process a lot of things in my world. So I think it makes good sense to start this again.
Now honestly – I will probably let others read my blog – but I am NOT going to let that keep me from showing honesty. One thing that I have learned lately is that sharing things like this is not bad and sometimes it can give people the courage to share their own stuff. You do not have to be strong all of the time.
How bad is the depression this time? Honestly – probably the worst it has ever been. I do not think I would still be here if it was not for the kids. I really don't. Would have been very easy to take too many pills.
What am I going to do? Good question. My marriage is certainly in trouble – my job is probably in jeopardy – and God knows my health is a crap shoot at the moment. So what am I doing? I am trying my best to get through this – I love my kids – and I need to fight as hard as I can to stay here with them and not get carried away in the depression. One day at a time. One step at a time.
If my marriage fails – it fails. If I lose my job – then I guess I find another one. If they decide they don't want a potentially single, depressedgirl adopting the kids – then I make sure that I am stable so whoever they do wind up with does not cut me out of their lives. I need to do this. I need to do it to save myself. And honestly – how can you do anything for anyone else unless you can save yourself.