So I decided an introduction might be in order =)

I’ve been battling depression for so long that I can’t even remember the last time I felt “whole”. I don’t think I was born this way, it was more a less an effect of the type of life I was brough into. My mother was a hardcore drug addict as well as a dealer most of my younger years. I was in and out of foster homes as a kid. I think that may be the reason its easy for me to be so open about my life… I was forced to talk to so many strangers that now its just like second nature. Which isn’t all that bad. Although I do belive in forgivness and that people CAN change. So I always gives chances when I have been crossed. Although I’m not that nice of a person to cross. I have been known to hold grudges for extended periods of time. But it does take a lot for me to kick people out of my life. As a teen I wasn’t rambunxious – I was pretty calm. I never did anything to horrible. I didn’t get into alcohol or drugs. I was a pretty good kid considering what I lived with. My mother was a monster. She beat me most of my life. Till I finally snapped one day and fought back, which gained me so many supportive friends. I have parents offering to adopt me lol. But after a while I was landed in another foster home with my little sister. Then I went to live with an extended family member. Thats when I started to rebel. I wouldn’t go to school, did what I wanted, when I wanted. I was sarcastic and sassy. But I was still for the most part a good kid. Didn’t stay out past curfew or do anything illegal. But I was horrible in school. I went to the dean on a daily basis… where he indured my smart ass mouth lol. Then my grandmother died. And I went even further into depression. I refused to go to school for 3 weeks straight. There was nothing anyone could do to get me to go. Then finally my “aunt” couldn’t take it anymore. She had a best friend who had a younger daughter, whom I had grown up with. The girl was considerably younger than me though. So I would babysit her. Anyways my aunt forced me to live with them for a few weeks cause she couldn’t handle me. Then for once I felt cared for. This woman (Kathy) treated me more like her child than anyone ever had. She would take me to school and pick me up from school, make sure I did my homework, everything. But I still landed myself in Continuation School, which is when I then met more extended family. That schools teachers became family to me. Encouraging me, showing me that I was worth something. Right when I started getting on track… tragedy struck. Kathy had a drug problem, she was in and out of rehab all the time, so my aunt introduced her to a very nice man who also happened to be my best friends (Nick) father (Don). She got off drugs and stayed out at our ranch house with him. One weekend my aunt had drug all of us out to the ranch to spend time in Big Bear for a weekend. I met back up with my best friend, after not seeing him for over a year. We fell in love, which is like a fairy tale. Two childhood friends falling in love as older teenagers. Anyways, a week later tragedy struck. Our ranch house had burnt to the ground with Nick and Kathy inside it. So I lost 2 more of the most important and influencial people in my life. Instead of launching into a dark state of depression like I did when my grandmother passed away… I became an insomniac. I had a series of wakes and funeral services at various churchs for both Nick and Kathy. I would stay up all hours doing coloages and writing poems. It was then that I finally realized that no matter how much you tried to change and better yourself something would come along to kick you down. Not to try and kill you… but to show you how strong you could become. That you could over come things no matter what they were.

Now I am done ranting… =)