Hi, everyone!

First of all i’m sorry for my bad english, I will try to do my best.

I’m 20 years old and I’m struggling depression and anxiety for years (3 years from now). Recently I have started a relationship with an amazing guy who is older than me. It was amazing at the beginning, I was inlove for the first time of my life and for a moment I started to enjoy life again. And then he left to study in France and I have to stay here, at home, 3000 miles away from him. I decided to go to visit him 2 mounts after his departure. We were really excited , we have planned a travelling to Spain, everything was amazing, and then 1 week before my departure he stopped answering my texts. At the beginning I thinked that he is just tired and has many assignments to do but  I left for France really upset and worried , because I felt like he doesn’t want me to go to visit him. In France he was really cold with me, I felt like I was with a stranger, with someone who doesn’t enjoy my company, who doesn’t want me to be there. And then I started to have “bad” thoughts again. I felt absolutely invisible, ugly, not enough , stupid, boring. I felt like there is no place in this world for me. Like I don’t deserve love, that nobody can love me because I am a terrible person with no ambitions and   with no ideas what to do with my life. I hate myself so much that I am afraid to initiate a conversation, I am afraid of people. I’m feel so ashamed of myself and i think that he thinks that I am just boring, that I have no desire to enjoy life, to meet new people, to visit new places, to make friends etc. Now I am back home and I feel so bad, because he never text me first, he doesn’t answer my texts… I started to have panic attacks again, I can’t sleep and I have suicidal thoughts again. I feel completely lost and worthless. I think that the only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I don’t want to hurt anyone but the reason I want to kill myself is because everyone is hurting me. For once in my life, I want to feel enough, I want to enjoy life, I want to love with no fears, I want to like myself, to meet new people with no fear, to be confident… I need help. I don’t want to lose this guy, but I have to find myself again first. I have lost faith. Please give some advise.

 

4 Comments
  1. millsbean 4 years ago

    Hi

    Firstly you are an amazing person just for being able to write this down. I have recently been in a similar situation and I deeply understand those nights sitting in your floor crying and deciding how to end it all. Praying for a text just to take the pain away. But you need to be honest with yourself and accept that he is behaving in a unloving way and you don’t deserve it. If one of friends was dating him would you encourage them to stay with him through this behaviour? I know it’s hard because you just want love, you need it and feel like you deserve it, but what he is doing is not an act of love in anyway, you are better off loving yourself and accepting the love of friends and family. I hope this helps much love and hugs xxx

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      mri 4 years ago

      Thank you very much for your advice! I think that i really needed to hear this from somebody else but i can’t stop blaming myself. I feel like my disorder is the reason why i can’t have a normal relationship, that i’m not normal and i will never be loved because of that. You know, i feel like nobody can understand me, like i have to deal with my depression all alone and this is really hard for me, because sometimes i need to talk to someone, i need someone to tell me that everything will be alright. But i guess that humans are not medicines, they can’t fix me. Maybe i’m the only one who can save me. Thank you very much for your support! I really appreciate it.

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  2. lindel 4 years ago

    Do you feel angry? I think I would. I hope you can find in your heart I feeling that you are deserving of respect. I hope you can find a way to be happy with yourself and not need someone like that to know your true value as a person.

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      mri 4 years ago

      I am really frustrated. I thinked that this person understands me, that he will support me like i support him. I trusted him and in return he makes me feel really worthless and sad. I think that sometimes we give love and we expect the exact same kind of love, but now i understand that love is a one- way street. Love, like respect, isn’t something you get; it’s something you give. And now i am trying not to be sad, i try not to feel disappointed, i try to convince myself that i gave everything , that i loved him unconditionally, and that i am brave and strong enough to accept that for him this wasn’t enough. But you know, it’s really hard when you live with depression to understand that sometimes it isn’t your fault that everything goes wrong. I will try to start again, to trust and love again. But now i feel empty, i feel like i can’t trust even myself. Thank you for the support!

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