First of all i’m sorry for my bad english, I will try to do my best.
I’m 20 years old and I’m struggling depression and anxiety for years (3 years from now). Recently I have started a relationship with an amazing guy who is older than me. It was amazing at the beginning, I was inlove for the first time of my life and for a moment I started to enjoy life again. And then he left to study in France and I have to stay here, at home, 3000 miles away from him. I decided to go to visit him 2 mounts after his departure. We were really excited , we have planned a travelling to Spain, everything was amazing, and then 1 week before my departure he stopped answering my texts. At the beginning I thinked that he is just tired and has many assignments to do but I left for France really upset and worried , because I felt like he doesn’t want me to go to visit him. In France he was really cold with me, I felt like I was with a stranger, with someone who doesn’t enjoy my company, who doesn’t want me to be there. And then I started to have “bad” thoughts again. I felt absolutely invisible, ugly, not enough , stupid, boring. I felt like there is no place in this world for me. Like I don’t deserve love, that nobody can love me because I am a terrible person with no ambitions and with no ideas what to do with my life. I hate myself so much that I am afraid to initiate a conversation, I am afraid of people. I’m feel so ashamed of myself and i think that he thinks that I am just boring, that I have no desire to enjoy life, to meet new people, to visit new places, to make friends etc. Now I am back home and I feel so bad, because he never text me first, he doesn’t answer my texts… I started to have panic attacks again, I can’t sleep and I have suicidal thoughts again. I feel completely lost and worthless. I think that the only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I don’t want to hurt anyone but the reason I want to kill myself is because everyone is hurting me. For once in my life, I want to feel enough, I want to enjoy life, I want to love with no fears, I want to like myself, to meet new people with no fear, to be confident… I need help. I don’t want to lose this guy, but I have to find myself again first. I have lost faith. Please give some advise.