I feel invisible. Like I’m a glass window and everyone who walks by totally doesn’t see me. Like everyone who walks by sees themself in the window. But nobody sees me. I’m standing here, feeling like I’m on the edge, like I’m ready to just cry. But nobody really sees, not even my family.
I just feel so empty and uncomfortable. But nobody knows. And it’s so hard to take off the mask; it’s so hard to let people see what’s actually happening on the inside. I think it’s because when I was growing up, if I showed negative emotion, some loved ones would criticize me. If I was crying, I might hear something along the lines of “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about”. If I was upset, someone would tell me to straighten my face or smile or fix my frown. I might get the silly phrase: “Turn that frown upside down.” It would be invalidating and humiliating, for family members to not take my emotions seriously. I would sometimes feel like I had to hide in my room if I was crying or angry, for fear that someone would notice and I would be admonished. I felt like I couldn’t truly be myself; I couldn’t truly express myself.
So now I’m an adult and I still have trouble with expressing myself. In my head I know there are so many emotions out there, but then I’m so used to just expressing two: either happy or sad. Sometimes the happy is a real, genuine happy; sometimes it’s just a painted happy. Painted over feelings of pain and, anguish, and “meh”. Sometimes I don’t know which is real.
It’s exhausting, keeping this mask on. It feels like nobody really knows that it’s a mask. The only time where I’m not wearing a mask is when I’m sleeping. So now I enjoy staying in bed more, alone, with the blinds drawn, in a dark room, snuggled in the covers, getting cozy with the darkness. It continues to get worse and I feel that I’m starting to be okay with that. I wish someone would just see me.