The frustration I have been feeling lately has been turning into self-hatred. I am frustrated with myself because I can’t seem to learn to accept my parents’ struggles with alcohol. After all they’ve had to endure because of me and after all of the heartache
I feel like I may be going crazy…I started wondering why I experienced certain fears—some are terrifying in my opinion:
-I’m scared to give up my sense of control—to other humans and even God
-I started shying away from any relationship with the opposite sex in my preteen years (and today I still feel the same unwillingness to get close)
-If I have to ask a male a question—store employee, cop, church member…–I get nervous and I feel a need to rehearse what to say
-I feel like I have to research every angle of intimacy in a relationship more than a friendship (what if … tells me this or what if … asks me this)
-I’ve never talked about this specific fear in detail to anyone—even my psychologist. My psychologist knows I have trust issues—in general—she knows I have anxiety when out in public.
I’m worried if someone reads this who has actual memories of sexual abuse vs an uneasiness will be insulted. That is in no way my intention. I’m not trying to get attention or pity…I’m not sure what I want to come of this—other than the fears to go away. Maybe I’m wanting to know why I feel this way. To be honest, the way I was raised does make it a possibility…My younger brother and I grew up going to daycare, public school and having babysitters…I hate when I begin to think this way!! My thoughts become consumed with it being a possibility!! Then I wonder where could it have happened, who, when…
I do have a tendency to brood on things but certain things about my personality make it seem like a strong possibility.
I forgot my tendency to shut down mentally when certain things occurs:
arguments, conversations with new people, I have a terrible sense of direction when I’m in public but it’s even worse when I’m by myself and not with someone. When I’m in public I feel a need to have one of my parents with me. I feel like all eyes are on me when it’s just me. I don’t pay attention of signs or remember how I got to my current location. A department store is a good example. I have walked past things not inconspicuous like an aisle with the item I’m looking for. If I have to pay for something I fumble with the money, my wallet, the thing I’m buying. Then when I get the receipt, I’m in a hurry to get somewhere less crowded before I put my money away. Last week was a good example. I was at the grocery store—my parents were waiting in the parking lot in the car. They told me if I wanted it, I had to get it and pay for it. I berate myself as I type this. Food is a source of comfort for me. When I was in the grocery store last week, I had to have ice cream—I knew they were going to start drinking when we got home so I was that desperate to have my own form of comfort. I got the ice cream, took out more money that the price indicated (ex $ 5 I would make sure I had 10 to cover tax and whatever) and went to wait in line. Everything went well, I think (again I shut down mentally), until he handed me my receipt. Took it, the change he handed me and grabbed the grocery bag and walked somewhere so I wouldn’t be in the way of anyone. Only then did I put my money away and my wallet. I was either very relieved or still very anxious because as I left the store, I didn’t notice the obvious rain—I’m not talking sprinkling rain or a downpour but in between. When I got wet, then it was noticeable. I took out my phone and asked my parents if they could see me…blah blah. They even commented and said something like “you didn’t see the rain?”
I honestly feel like I’m going crazy. When I stop typing, I feel my energy has been depleted…Anytime I vent and feel self-discussed as I’m typing I end up exhausted—like now.
I’m hoping I can focus my thoughts elsewhere for a while…I should be reading for school but I just want to do something that requires very little or absolutely no effort: watching tv or crawling into bed (not really an option at 4 pm for me).
Maybe there is another possible cause for the first topic—obsessive thoughts of why–in this entry. If anyone has any ideas, please please please let me know! Any feedback will make me feel better at this point…I’m still mentally cursing myself for the events in this blog.
Thank you so much xx