Just no use trying to be in a good mood. I tried that, and I was even willing to go out to dinner tonight, but I am glad I'm not because I'm not sure I even have the energy. I am so angry right now. At K, at J, at L for having her son live next door and ruin my life. I want to smack all those people, and beat the shit out of them, well maybe not J. After all, J has done nothing wrong. I am just sad in a way, about our friendship ending.

But K and L I FUCKING HATE YOU BOTH! I hope you suffer like I have and although L has had a lot of bad shit happen to her, I still hate her for being such a horrible mama by letting her son just have a $700,000house all to himself for free. What a spoilt rich fucking brat!!

K is a prick and I wish that he will suffer again. He left me again because his other friends are responding to him, or maybe he met someone new, no matter what it is, I hope he ends up alone. He came crying to me 6 months ago because he had practically no one. It could happen again, I doubt it, but it could and that's what I am hoping for. I'm hoping he will get fucked over all over again and hurt enough that he has to a come crying to me like a stupid fat puppy dog. I can only hope, but I know it's over I know I am just going to be alone and hurt without him or anyone. I really really want to die. And I don't care anymore how it effects my family. They are already miserable because of me. My parents. Everyone else would just say "What a shame" they will get over it really fast, I mean there's nothing for them to get over. Only my parents would hurt, well like I said I am hurting them NOW so what is the difference? God I just wish I had some pill that could take me out quickly, fast and easy, I am a COWARD and I do not care to go on.

It's back to dreaming about K because he is gone, gone gone out of my life. So now all I have left are dreams the few hours of sleep that I get. I dreamt last night that we were in Miami watching a parade together. Not in love, but still friends and spending the time together that I felt I deserved from him, but the truth is I deserve nothing and that's what I have, so I suppose in the sense of the world it is fair.

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